Joyska's Journal

what can I say?

2010-12-05T20:27:00.002-08:00

Quick update on the Bible reading... Started Deuteronomy today. Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers ... lots of stories, laws and census numbers... but all about the faithfulness of God, His calling of His people out of slavery, His love and commitment to them, His desire to be their God and for them to be His people, and what struck me most was Moses' obedience to "do as the Lord commanded". Amazing.

Sorry... what can I say beyond that? There is so much in those three books, and it's an amazing way to see God's heart, justice, compassion, and love. I highly recommend reading them! :)

Genesis... again :)

2010-11-30T21:11:00.002-08:00

I started doing the 90 day reading plan again on the 23rd of November. I'm already supposed to be in Leviticus, but am only half way through Exodus... but I'll catch up.

I just wanted to say a few things about what God is teaching me already. Genesis really challenges me. There is of course a decision that I have to make every time I read it. Do I believe the creation story as it is written? Do I believe it is a literal 6 days? Do I believe He rested? Do I believe the snake spoke words to Eve? Every time I read it I realize that it is foolishness to many... but not to me.

If I believe the scriptures are God breathed and that God is incapable of lies, then I have to believe that the scriptures... all scriptures are literal, even the talking animals... the snake in Genesis, Balaam's donkey, and the talking eagle in Revelation. There are many things in scripture that seem odd, or beyond belief, even offensive to my thinking processes... but then again isn't Jesus' death offensive? Aren't the wars and death of the old testament offensive?

Yet they are true and I wouldn't be who I am if they weren't.

Jesus' birth, death and resurrection are the cornerstones of my faith... and so is His immanent return. He is coming back... and He is coming as a king and will bring true justice. Maybe sooner than some think.

I guess my point of all this is His word is not something I want to question. It's what I want to live by and let change my thinking... not the other way around.

Many things to think about :)

deep thoughts by Joyska

2010-11-26T15:31:00.002-08:00

I've been very lazy about my blog lately. Partially because I seem to have so many other things to do and be occupied by. However, I'm discovering this is a good place to just share what is in my head regardless of who is reading it...

This week God has really been challenging me in the issue of surrender and trusting Him when it feels like my world has been turned upside down... The question has been is He worthy of my trust? OF COURSE He is!!! But I often get so caught up in the day to day struggle that I loose my way, and begin to question that. So His challenge to me has been, will you give me everything? Your heart, your emotions... all of it, not just most of it... but all of it?

Scary place to be.

Yet it's the safest place if I read scripture right. He is the God of justice, which means He is the highest standard of righteousness, and He will return to deal with the wicked and those who stand against Him. He is holy, which means there is no sin or darkness in Him and He longs for our lives to be found completely in Him. He's jealous, which means He is not content to have only part of us, He wants everything... and when we turn to Him and let Him do what He wants to do, it is for our good, but more importantly for His glory.

How much safer can we be?

But it comes at a cost. We have to be willing to follow, to surrender, to hold nothing back, to give Him His rightful place in our lives. It's not an easy choice, because it requires forsaking everything else, but it's really the only choice if we are going to be completely His. And He is looking for hearts that are completely His.

God's power lies in His ability to redeem our lives. (at least part of His power). He is infinitely more than that I know, but his redemption is one of the things that Satan cannot counterfeit. Jesus is the only one who can take a messed up life and turn it for His glory. He doesn't do it just to use us in other peoples lives, though that often happens... but He does it simply because He loves us and wants more for us than our own sin. That's why He came in the first place isn't it?

I do believe that He is returning, maybe sooner than most of us think, but I know that He is coming for a pure and spotless bride. He isn't coming for a half hearted luke- warm faith... He is coming for hearts that are ready and are fully His.

How ready is my heart? I have a ways to go, but I am on the right track. As difficult as life has been at times, and as messed up as my thinking has been, I'm beginning to really get the bigger picture. As I turn to Him, He turns to me, and life may not get easier, but it gets better. He is growing character in me... He is showing me my own sin, and helping me let go of the sins of others, but most importantly He is showing me that He gave everything for me and He expects no less from me.

Fire in my bones

2010-10-31T04:23:00.003-07:00

It's early Sunday morning and the house is really quiet. My roommate is sleeping and I well... couldn't, so I got up.

There is a lot running through my brain as of late, I guess there always is, but I've noticed it more lately :).

Whenever health issues crop up, I think I take a look at my life and try to figure out what I did wrong, or how I failed to take care of myself or if it simply is what it is. It's always a time of evaluating my own standing with myself but also with God. The big question for years for me anyway was "how could God let me be a diabetic, or sick, or (fill in the blank)?" That question has changed a little to "why is God allowing the sickness, etc?" But I don't think that is even the right question. So if it's not me, and it's not God than what is happening?

These are deep questions for so early in the morning, I know, but I think the answer is quite simple. Nothing is an accident. God really is in control. I don't always get it, I don't always like it (in fact rarely get it or like it) but if I believe that God created the universe, that Jesus saved the world and as I was reminded yesterday FREED me from my sin, and the Holy Spirit is in me... IF I believe these things, the other things, sickness, emotional struggles, life issues are simply opportunities to run to Him.

Here in lies the problem. I don't always make that choice. Let's be honest... sometimes it is easier to kick and scream and throw a tantrum, because then it's not my fault. Sometimes it's easier to shut it all down because then its no big deal. Sometimes it's easier to run, because then I don't have to look at anything face on (especially when I have no clue which way to go).

But here in lies the bigger problem. When I chose and yes, it is a choice, to respond in any of the fore-mentioned ways, I am loosing out on an opportunity for growth in my trust of Him and others and am loosing out on the miracles that God wants to show me or do through or in me. But like the old prophet Ezekiel, I feel like I get tricked sometimes. I feel like He calls me to something way bigger than me and I say no until it becomes like fire in my bones and I have to cry out and speak truth... to myself and eventually to others.

I'm still in that stage I think of saying "you tricked me God" and I'm not impressed. But at the same time it's this fire He is calling me to walk through that will refine me and make me a better representative of Him. But fire hurts. There is the promise that you will walk through the fire and not be burned. I take great comfort in the story of Shadrach, Mechach, and Abednego for they walked out of the fire not even smelling like smoke. But these three men, stood before the most powerful man in history and declared that they would not bow down, would not worship idols EVEN IF GOD DIDN'T SAVE THEM.

My heart wants to have that strength. My heart wants to stand and proclaim faith in every circumstance. These men, like Daniel lived in a hostile, evil, demented, land. Babylon was a wicked city that held them captive and in exile. But these men chose God above all else. I have a lot to learn about my responses to everyday life. I have some choices to make of my own. I don't always make the right ones, and my guess is that no one always does, but my heart desires to be a Daniel, an Ezekiel, a true believer of God's words and a fighter to make those words true in my life.

Up to this point, this blog has been about what I'm reading... and it on some levels will continue to be, especially as I start grappling with concepts that I'm learning at the seminary, but this will also be for me a place of trying to find that faith of Daniel, trying to live out my convictions that I know are true in every circumstance, and grappling with my failure to do so at times.

It may get a little raw sometimes... because I am at that place... it may be over zealous at times... because I get there too. But it will be honest... it will be where I'm at and it will be what Jesus is showing me about myself (to a healthy degree of sharing... sorry no deep intimate truths on this public forum) and what He is showing me about Himself.

I will be honest and say I'm nervous. There are some deep valleys to travel ahead of me... I can see them, but on the other side of every valley is a mountain top that will give me a view of where I'm going and as long as (to borrow a phrase) my boots are pointed in His direction and I'm moving toward Him, I'm on my way.

I think God has much to say to me right now. I think He has much for me to say... but I first need to listen, to obey and to follow with everything that is in me. So this morning I'm kicking and screaming a bit... okay a lot, but I know He is in control of all of it. I just need to figure out how to let go of the fear, and to follow willingly, because there is a fire in my bones, there is something He has planned for me... it may be huge, it may be little, but its His will for my life and I know I have to get in line with it...

or miss it.

nothing to do with scripture

2010-10-29T18:39:00.002-07:00

I just need to put it out there. The last two days have had some scary moments. I'm not sure which was scariest, the 8 hours of dizziness, the panic attack in the hospital when they put in the IV, or the moment when the doctor said it's an inner ear virus causing vertigo, OR, you may have had a minor stroke.

Or really, it could have been yesterday as I sat at home and the more I talked to people on the phone the worse my stutter became and the harder it was to put sentences together. Then there was going for prayer at church and having my greatest fear be that I wouldn't be able to sing anymore.

Thankfully I can still sing without stuttering and my laying still and doing absolutely nothing today seems to have stilled the dizziness... for now.

So how do you go from being relatively healthy, to a virus, to a possible stroke? And how do you process a relatively normal life and processing to feeling like your whole world is spinning? There is a place of confusion that takes over for sure... if you let it.

In my quietness today, even though I haven't prayed, or read, or worshiped in any formal sense of the words, yet today has been peaceful and quiet. I haven't been "fighting against the goads" so to speak, but rather have been just thinking about how life throws things at you and how you have a choice on how you respond.

I certainly never planned to be diabetic. I didn't expect to have 3 eye surgeries in a year, I didn't plan on moving to a small town after my whole adult life was based in the inner city. But that is just it... my plans never worked out. It's always been His plan. Do I like what my body is doing? Absolutely not and it doesn't take the fear away, but do I believe that God is bigger? What choice do I have?

This blog for months now has been about the scriptures and what they are teaching me and what I am learning. I love the Word and it is life to me. But these last couple days especially, when i feel like all other avenues are unavailable to me, the Lord has brought a peace that I don't understand. I'm not panicking, I'm not stressing, I'm trusting... and choosing to believe that the God that I read about and get to know through His word every day is the God who holds me when I'm scared to death and filled with confusion.

Maybe it's a picture of how He will work in us in the future when things do get harder for everyone in different ways. Maybe He's just showing me that He is here, even in my own sense of anger and frustration... that even if things get WAY out of my control... He hasn't left me yet.

Sometimes those experiences speak louder than His word.

honesty

2010-10-23T20:43:00.002-07:00

It's been awhile since I blogged. I am well into day 56 of 80 days reading through end time scriptures. It's been amazing to see that the amount of scripture in the old testament that warns and proclaims what is yet to come is astounding to me.

It's been a journey of reading and experiencing on a different level the commitment that God has both to justice and to His chosen people, and along with them the church.

But there has been a great hesitation in me over these last few weeks, and probably the reason why I stopped blogging for a time. The hesitation isn't that the words I'm reading aren't true or that they are taken out of context or anything like that, quite the opposite actually. I am currently reading scriptures in Ezekiel that foretell the fall of Babylon but also the promise of one who will rule forever. It's powerful to recognize the thread that holds the beginning to the end and that the desire in all of us is to get back to that place in the garden of Eden where we will be WITH God.

My hesitation arises more in myself. The struggle to understand and AGREE with God's judgments right along side the struggle to be patient for His righteous judgments to come. It's an interesting conundrum. God come quickly and deal with the brutality in our world... by coming and wiping out all your enemies... brutally. And yet, it's not with brutality, it's with justice and righteousness and mercy that He comes, and gives warning, and pleads with the peoples of the earth...

My hesitation also comes from an understanding that God is all knowing, all powerful, and all sufficient. His timing is always right, yet how can the world be such a messed up place? I know and am learning as I study all these passages that John 3:16-17 remains true... He did NOT come to condemn the world but to save it. But does the world want to be saved?

In the three religions of Christianity, Judaism, and Muslim, Christians are the only ones who believe that God would become man - that he would stoop that low, it is heresy to the others. Yet we as Christians base our very faith and salvation on the proclamation that Jesus came to earth as a baby, lived, died and rose again, and is seated at the right hand of the Father and is coming again to rule and reign ON THE EARTH. This Jewish man, this fully God, fully man, will someday return and vanquish His enemies and set up His kingdom of righteousness and freedom.

That's why all those stories of Kings and kingdoms and princes and princesses pull at our heartstrings... we long for His return as righteous King and judge. And still in my heart I hesitate. Again, not because I don't believe and long for His return, but because it is so foreign to the way we live. His kingdom will not be a democracy. His rule will be absolute. I've lived in a world where those things sound menacing, not reassuring.

But then I remember His heart... For God SO LOVED the world that He gave His only son that whoever believes in Him will have eternal life. He is coming again. There is this great line in a song that Misty Edwards from IHOP sings that goes "He's not a baby in a manger anymore, He's not a broken man on the cross, He didn't stay in the grave, and He's not staying in heaven forever" That in a line is the truth of what I believe.

Here is again the hesitation... my heart doesn't LIVE what I say I believe. There's an honest statement for you. I still live in a place of fear and brokenness and not in the promises He's given. I quickly default to old habits and run to other things in the hopes that THEY will satisfy whatever it is my heart is longing for... or afraid of... or trying to attain.

In a message I heard this weekend, our pastor laid out beautifully the reason that it is to our ADVANTAGE that Jesus went away and sent the Holy Spirit to dwell IN us. God has given us complete access to His heart and His power through the Holy Spirit, and WHEN (not IF) Jesus returns the Holy Spirit will remain IN us to teach, comfort and guide us into all truth... the truth of who Jesus and the Father really are. His return is to bring GLORY to HIS name, and for the whole world to know that HE IS LORD.

But that seems so big and "out there" for my day to day struggles. Where is the line of walking that truth every day and going to work and raising money for a college? How do we walk the now and the not yet (to quote John Wimber)? How do I live in my daily pain and inner struggles and still walk out the truth of His glorious return?

Sometimes I wish it would be as simple as finding a wardrobe that led to Narnia. Really... that is what that story grapples with... can the two realms exist together? They have to, or really what is the point?

The only one worthy.

2010-09-07T20:12:00.003-07:00

The seals. Only Jesus was worthy enough to open take the scroll and open the seals. All seven of them. Reading Revelation can be a little unsettling, a little concerning, and then I remember that only Jesus was worthy to open the scroll. Those seven seals are incredible judgements released upon the earth, the skies, the rivers, and on man. Each one took out a third the land, the sun, moon and stars, the rivers and eventually mankind. A third.

But only Jesus was worthy to open the scroll.

I feel a little bit like the weeping prophet, crying out to God, does it need to be this way? Is this the only way to bring about salvation for those you love? And I hear a resounding "yes". "Agree with my judgements".

Jesus was the only one worthy to open the scroll.

I find myself doing a "cleansing" of many things as of late. I am reading scripture way more than I have in a long time, I'm praying more, I totally cleansed and rearranged my room and office (a HUGE change and cleansing) and I'm worshipping a lot more. Why? Because I feel like I have to? Because I'm reading end times scriptures and I want to be ready? (yes, actually) But also because I WANT to. I want to honour the only one worthy. I want to be a "good and faithful" servant of the only one worthy.

This is the month of Ramadan, a month of fasting and prayer of the muslims where they cry out to allah to hear their prayers and to return quickly. The most devout of the muslims pray 7 times a day during Ramadan. They fast from sunup to sundown. They consecrate themselves and seek to live holy lives to gain favour with allah. The world sees them as fanatics... or do they? Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world... including in North America. They have decided to stand for something. To live out what they believe is right, and it's become attractive to those who have grown up in a world of church that doesn't hold them to any standard anymore, that seems to have lost it's power, but claiming to have religion.

It's not the gospel or Jesus that has changed, but the church. And as the day draws ever nearer, when Jesus does return, so many of us... myself included are distracted, are focusing on the here and now, when Christ has always called us to follow Him and keep our eyes on things above.

Yes, I need to go to work every day and give 100% of who I am into the job. Yes, I need to pray, yes I need to live a HOLY life, simply because Jesus said to live as he did.

I can't get around that only He was worthy to open the scroll... because He was completely complicite to the will of His father... He took on the sin of the world, without hesitation... without regret making Him and He alone worthy.

I don't know where I'm going with all this other than to say... I am more and more day by day committed to who HE is, and who I am in Him. I want to live a life holy... seperate and completely His. And the only way to even attempt such a life is total surrender to Him... 100%.

I set my heart to worship
I give You all I am
The brokenness, the failures
The worst of who I am
But I stand before you open
My heart, my mind, my soul,
I ask for Your to fill me
So I can give you all...

I long to worship you alone
I long to honour your name alone
I long to worship you alone,
For you alone are worthy... so worthy.
(song I'm working on)

God, you've captured my fascination with who You really are and what You really mean. I am committed to the journey to finding You more and more each day. For you ARE the only one worthy.

"the dangers of the last days"

2010-09-06T19:44:00.002-07:00

A couple of days ago, my reading plan took me to 2 Timothy 3 and 4. It starts out like this:

"You should know this, Timothy, thot in the last days, there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents and ungrateful, They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforginving; they will slander others and have no self-control. THey will be creul and hate what is good. They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but the will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that. (2 Tim 3:1-5 NLT)

Its a strong warning and a strong beginning and premise from which he writes the rest of the letter. It's somewhat easy to look at this list and think "we must be in the end times" as so many of these things are happening all around us. But what struck me was two in the list "ungrateful" and "they hold nothing sacred". Both speak of incredible selfishness to me, and my heart resonates with being "ungrateful" Yet I think it's the second one of these two that wounds God's heart. "they hold nothing sacred". Nothing has value or worth. Everything is common place and holds no wonder or delight. That is not the way the Lord created us, the earth, or anything He made.

To be ungrateful and hold nothing sacred goes together in a way. And both break his heart. I want to write more, but I have to be up in 6 hours ready to receive all the new students! I will get back to this next time.... until then... happy autumn :P

warning signals

2010-09-02T21:06:00.002-07:00

So, this is the first time in my life I have owned a car. Granted, I didn't pay for it, but it is mine. Today, the "service engine soon" warning light came on. At first, I thought "OH NO!!! MY CAR IS GOING TO BLOW UP!!!" But after a few deep breaths and a few reassuring words from my wise friend Cheryl, I realized it is most likely just needing an oil change. PHEW. That I can handle.

It made me laugh though, because it's the same kind of reaction that my heart and mind have been having to my reading of the End Times scriptures. I kind of go through this "OH NO!!!! THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END!!!" moment and then through the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and trusted friends, I realize, okay, it is coming, but not today. In the mean time, I need to change the oil... (get rid of the old to make way for the new) and keep my life well maintained... pretty good metaphore really.

As I've continued my reading through the scriptures on the end times, I am constantly amazed at the severity of the warning signs... Wars, rumers of wars, nation against nation... and then the natural disasters, earthquakes, floods, famines... and still they are only the beginning of the birth pangs. HOW MUCH MORE SEVERE WILL GOD NEED TO GET TO GET OUR ATTENTION?

I know that I need to take my car in and get it serviced. I know because the warning light tells me to. There was no light yesterday... there is today. Do I risk it and see how long the light will stay on before the car dies? Of course not... I'm taking it in this weekend (hopefully).

Then why do I think I can ignore the signs that Jesus himself told us to look for? He is coming like a thief in the night... we don't know when, but for those of us who believe and have the Holy Spirit in us, He has given us the playbook. We DO get to know the "signs of the times" and we DO need to stay awake and alert ... Praying and proclaiming His return. I know my car WILL blow up if I ignore the warnings... I know too, that I will miss what Jesus wants to do in me to prepare myself and others for His return if I ignore what's all happening in the world around me.

I'm not so sure that "service engine soon" warning was just a coincidence.

I swear it's in the air

2010-08-31T19:18:00.002-07:00

Everywhere I went today someone was talking about being ready and prepared. It wasn't all about the end times, but it was everywhere! In Timmies, the two older gentlemen sitting beside me were talking about the importance of the Jews to Christianity and that we need to be ready to stand by them if anyone tries to take them out again. SERIOUSLY... IN TIMMIES!

Then at work today, lots of conversations about being ready and prepared for the students soon to come through our doors, praying for them, praying for their families, praying for their hearts and minds to be open and ready.

My reading today too... Be alert, keep watch, you never know when the owner of the house will return... don't be caught unaware.

So today, there is a renewed tenacity to be ready. I want to know His word, I want to learn how to LOVE, to truly love like He loves us, I want to reach out, help where I can, live my life like I said the other day... as if He was coming back tomorrow. There are some drawbacks to that, I will admit. It's hard to justify stuffing envelopes for 8 hours if I am living for His return, but at the same time... He commanded us to do all to His glory and honour. So... as I stuff, I pray.

I was watching a dvd teaching series last night and was struck by one statement "We are raising our kids to be ready for persecution". How many of our kids (not that I have any) would be ready if the church suddenly came under persecution? How many of us would be ready? Could I stand in the face of insults, my rights being taken away, false accusations, and potentially much worse? Today? No, probably not, but I'm getting there. Getting rid of things that are a waste of time, and spending more time in His word, and praying... watching... waiting... expecting His return.

I know a lot of things have to fall into place before Jesus returns, but I also know that the judgements played out in scripture happened in a day... God saved Noah and his family on the same day He sent the flood, God spared Lot and his family on the same day that he destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah. It was too late for the people in Noah's day... it was too late for the people in Sodom and Gomorrah... God's judgement fell quickly and with great power.

When His judgements are released on the earth, at least as Revelation tells it, it will come quickly and many will not survive. But He also promises in Amos (3?) that He does nothing without first telling His people. His word tells us a lot... the specifics of what signs to watch for, what will take place... how to pray, and what to pray for... AND He raises up prophets and forerunners to prepare the way of the Lord.

My job as far as I can figure so far is to stay awake, stay steady in Him, watch with anticipation of His return, and Pray for the salvation of the lost. That's a lot to do... and yet it's the only thing to do! So stuffing envelopes I watch and pray... planning fundraising events, I listen for His leading and I watch and pray... praying for others at church and elsewhere... I watch, listen and pray... and I go when he says go, stop when He says stop and keep my heart connected to His. (abide in Me and I will abide in you). My heart feels somewhat overwhelmed by it all, but I long to and need to be "a bride made ready" for the return of my King.

Keep watch, pray, and get ready. He IS coming soon.

So now what?

2010-08-29T04:35:00.003-07:00

I've decided to start a new challenge. There are 170 scriptrures... mostly chapters that refer specifically to the End Times. There is an 80 day reading plan that gets me through those along with a few different dvd series from our pastor and of course a wealth of information on Mikebickle.org. It' s time once again to really study the End Times.

I actually stated on Friday and am 3 days in already. It's an interesting study having just finished the whole Bible in 90 days. I am finding that there even as I read through it the first thime I had placed stars by those passages that I felt were specifically end time prophesies and am pleased to see that so far I was correct.

I had a discussion yesterday with a trusted friend asking the question of what is next for me. Their response was I have been through a year and more of intense healing and have moved quickly through it, now is time to build stamina. At first I thought "for what?" And then I rememberes how quickly I burn myself out by jumping into ministry or work or whatever with everything I am. I do thrive on structure and pressure, and as a result take on too much. This was a great reminder that my main goal is to Glorify God in everything I do. I am working full time, I'm involved in the prayer and worship and church on different levels, and I'm studying -- right now the word, but soon will be taking courses. That is a lot already.

It's time for me, I think to continue working on discovering God's plan for me, for my own growth, but also to pursue Him in prayer and worship to give honour to His name, and to tell others of His glory. That is my purpose now. And that is a wonderful privilege.

So how does this relate to studying the end times? I guess it's all about perspective. Jesus is returning and he demanded that we stay alert and watch for His return. It comes up over and over in scripture. I want to be diligent in that and ready for whatever comes whenever it comes. He wrote those words over 2000 years ago, and His disciples lived it like He was coming back tomorrow and it changed them... the way they lived, the boldness in which they spoke the message of the Kingdom, and the priorities they held. That is how I desire to live my life... as if Jesus were coming tomorrow. Even as I write that I think... okay what priorities need to change?

I know that I want to speak boldly to those I love and care about, not holding back because of fear they won't like me... and yet speaking in love. I know that it causes me to be much quicker to forgive and ask for forgiveness as if time were short. Time is short, whether He comes back tomorrow or a thousand years from now. It is short for me. For each one of us. A young man at the Seminary was in the prime of His life a year ago, and in less than 4 months cancer took him from us. Time is short and as I said to my friend... I don't want to waste another minute of it. I've wasted enough time.

So again I fight with the delicate balance of being in prayer and worship and being out in the world working for Jesus, especially where the poor are concerned. But I know, beyond any shadow of a doubt that I was made (to borrow a line from a song) for loving You (Jesus) I was made for loving You. Whatever that looks like... that is what I am after. And loving Him means following His commandments and knowing and living out the fact that He is love. The rest, I'm discovering is up to Him.

Genesis to Revelation

2010-08-27T15:58:00.002-07:00

Well, so much for writing more the next day! Life has been busier than it used to be since I started working! But that hasn't stopped my love for daily reading the Word. And today, I finished the Bible. Genesis to Revelation in a little less than 90 days!

I woke up this morning and found myself just a little bit sad that it was done. But as I read through the end of Revelation I was so humbled by the fact that God loves me enough to give me a heart that delights in His word. There is so much hidden treasure in every page... It's the wisdom of God to conceal a matter... it's the glory of kings to seek it out....

The New Testament is a glorious testimony to what God did through His people, His apostles, His friends, after He went back to sit at the right hand of God. It's about the ordinary Joes who turn a city upside down, not in their own power, not by their own intellect or clever tricks... but simply and only through the power of God.

Paul is no different of a human than I am. But the Spirit of the Lord rested on Him. John who saw the Revelation of Jesus and of the things yet to come is no different than I am. But the Spirit of the Lord was in him and on him.

But the Spirit of the Lord is in me and rests on me too at times. Why aren't the people in my immediate influence "turned upside down" by the gospel of Christ? I take my Bible with me every morning to Tim Hortons an hour before I go to work to read and meditate on what the Lord is saying... why isn't there a revival happening at Tiny Tims in Steinbach?

Those are the questions I've been grappling with as I finish the reading through the Bible. What hinders God's power in me? What stops the gospel from turning this city on it's knees? What keeps the two edge sword from cutting to the quick in the two schools close to me? Why do my friends live in their own worlds of agony and pain? Why? I think I'm asking the wrong questions.

I think I need to be asking how and what.... how do I share the gospel with power, how do I minister with grace, yet bring conviction where needed?

I think back to June 1st when I started this journey. I wasn't working, I was facing surgery, and my heart was healing, but still somewhat broken. These last 90 days have sustained me through those tough moments of "God, I'm done" and "I'm too tired to keep fighting". These 90 days have caused my heart to rejoice as I watched God provide for me again and again. And here I am now, not content because I'm not seeing the world turned upside down by the gospel.

I caught an article today that talked about "fake" Christianity in teens and that it's a "feel good deism" that kids are following yet they lack conviction and stamina if challenged. It made me sad to read, but also encouraged me because the teens I know here are on fire and know that there are consequences to actions and God is not always a "feel good" God.

After reading through Revelation, especially, I'm seeing a different God. There are two words or phrases that I can't shake out of my head: Arise church arise!" and "Agree with My judgements" I don't know what the future holds... but I do know that I have not felt such an urgency in my Spirit to see His power move on the earth in a very long time.

I like it... and I'm going to keep reading the Word and praying like crazy because a day is coming when the Spirit AND the bride (the church and the Jews together) will cry out, come Jesus come!

I know that I could wax elequant and spout off knowledge that I've learned, but it's not about that... it's about my heart and the redemptive power of God. I know and believe that God loves me in a way I didn't 90 days ago. I'm more convinced than ever that there is a plan and purpose for my life, but it's not necessarily what I thought...it's to Glorify His name in everything I do and say and am... I have a deeper confidence in the truth of His word than I did 90 days ago, and most importantly I am more connected to Him than I have ever been.

Will I do this again? You better believe it!!

General Electric Power Company

2010-08-23T10:16:00.002-07:00

Otherwise known as Galations, Ephesians, Philippians and Colossians.
Yesterday's reading took me through all four books in one sitting. Paul spoke to each congregation in its own unique way. I have also been reading a book that talks about how big these congregations actually were. I have always envisioned them as small house churches that gathered in someone's home and shared the gospel with every one they saw. Actually, even in Acts it talks about 3000 being added to their number in one day!

That is roughly the size of the church I attend now and we do four services in a weekend!

These letters were written to thousands of people. It's crazy to think of it in that way. He challenged them in areas where they beginning to walk away or listen to other "gospels". Paul had people everywhere that would come and report to him and he would respond with the wisdom from Jesus. It's really profound as you read these in one sitting.

I will write tomorrow, along with the the letters to the Corithians, Timothy and Philemon... I have to catch up the writing with the reading! There are only four days left til I finish the 90 day reading plan... that went so fast!!!

catching up

2010-08-18T18:57:00.002-07:00

I finished the book of Acts today. It was amazing actually. I say that about all the books, but this one was inspiring to me for today. A friend and I have been talking a lot about the "gods" of our day and what and who people worship. The book of Acts has incredible examples of how the apostles and followers of Jesus lived and ministered in a time of persecution, a time of scattering of the believers to cities outside of Israel, a time of the apostles dealing with the incredible growth of the church even in the midst of persecution and a time of the Gospel being brought to the gentiles. THIS is where I fit into the story again!

Luke and John were powerful in their own right. There are phrases like "and Jesus entered the synagogue and preached the good news of the kingdom" and "the power for healing came upon Him" or "and being filled with the Spirit, He..." These phrases have kept me up late... God what do they mean? Does healing only happen when "the power" is present? What DID Jesus preach in the synagogues and how is it different than what we preach today? What did it mean to preach the Kingdom? And being filled with the Holy Spirit... that one just wows my heart. Is that even a word? wows?

I realized today that there are only ten days left in the reading plan. Ten days! The last 80 days have gone by so quickly and my life has changed so much since I started reading. I was waiting for eye surgery with no income in sight (no pun intended) on June 1st and by Aug 1st my eye was healed far faster than the doc anticipated and I had already been back to work for a week. I got a car, I had a "celebrate what God has done" party, and I failed my road test (crazy parallel parking poles).

But I've been learning a lot too... again the threads of the old testament continue through the new... the expression of God's UNFAILING love, the importance of true justice, warnings of judgements to come and promises of blessings if we follow God and his commandments, which are personified and prophesy fulfilled in Jesus and described in 4 unique ways in the gospels. Someone said today, that they had for almost 20 years been praying that they would feel and know His love. He spoke about Ephesians 3 and being rooted and grounded in love ... that was what happens when we believe in Jesus, but that the prayer goes on to ask for the power to grasp how high, wide, deep and long that love is... It's an action too... we have to grasp it... grab hold of it, and though it surpasses to knowledge to live in that love everyday.

That is what reading every day is teaching me. Yes, I am by definition God's child, but I will never grow and mature into his friend and servant unless and reach out and grab hold of the truths in scripture. I do again say... This is a new book to me this time around, and it's wonderful.

Matthew to Mark

2010-08-10T20:41:00.001-07:00

I have to make this short because I need to get some sleep.
I just read through Matthew and am solidly into Mark. I have a lot of thoughts bouncing around my head that I want to share, but they aren't composed quite yet...
I think I may wait and do a post on all four gospels as there are so many similarities and yet remarkably different in their own ways. One thing I will say before I head off to sleep is that His word truly is living and active... saw it in action today, as I had opportunity to pray at work and see God do wonderous things.
The other thing I will say is that there is a growing urgency in me... for what I'm not exactly sure, but just an urgency to know the word entire, to know the Lord more, and to be transformed by His Spirit day by day. There is more to it than this, more behind it is a better way to say it, but for now I will leave it at that.

Anyone else confused by this post? haha... I'm just sorting it out in my head before I post it here... but once I have it sorted, I'll take a chance at writing it out. G'night!

Through the Old Testament... on to the New

2010-08-07T19:18:00.003-07:00

I'm almost sad that I'm "leaving" the Old Testament. It's been my daily companion for 68 days already and I have grown rather attached to it. When I started reading June 1, I was dreading the Old Testament a little bit... all the begat so and so's and God bringing judgement and the precision of Numbers and Leviticus. But as I finished Malachi today, and started Matthew. I realized that was what I LOVED about the old Testament! (okay maybe not the begats, but even that showed the Soveriegnty of God and His greater purpose for Israel and the earth... and sure enough...how does Matthew start? BEGATS again... !!!)

I said to someone the other night that the Bible has become a new book to me. (to which he heartily agreed) I've read it before, but it is resonating on a deeper, more practical... more redemptive level than ever before. I think it has something to do with... no, I KNOW it has something to do with my longing to give 100% to God, His Son, and the Holy Spirit. I've approached this reading with a longing to see God's heart, to understand His justice and to receive His wisdom and experience His mercy. It's never been "just a book", but it really is a new book to me this time around, and I am rejoicing because of that!

I have loved watching (reading) the story unfold. It's a story of redemption and God's steadfastness, His mercy, and His again UNFAILING love for His people... for His creation... for those He would eventually give His life for (now I'm jumping ahead haha). The Old Testament, The Law, The Prophets... all of it is so precise and so perfectly laid out. Genesis 1:1 "In the beginning God..." and Malachi 4:4-5 "Remember to obey the law of Moses...Look I am sending you the prophet Elijah before the great and terrible day of the Lord arrives...." The Bible Starts with the premise that God created everything for HIS Glory, and the Old Testament ends with the promise of His coming and His return...

Everything inbetween builds to this moment... I am sending a prophet who will prepare the way of the Lord... The Major Prophets and the Minor (Miner?) Prophets all spoke of both the judgement coming in the days they were written and of a judgement to come. I can't imagine what the people of the day would have thought about this "great and terrible" day of the Lord, or the events that will happen in the far off future as He says to Danel, but those words are resonating with me for today. He is coming again, and He will send a prophet to prepare the way for His return as He did in the days of Jesus. John was the prophet then... to Israel... now to us as the body what does this prophecy mean?

The worship at church this weekend was all about Christ's return to rule and reign over the earth. Pastor Ray's sermon was on submission to authority... I couldn't help but put those together. The Bible is a love letter... calling His people to himself, whether through struggle or blessing, judgement or favor, He is jealous for His own.

The New Testament brings me, us non Jews, into the equation even more. (we were just foreigners and other nations in the OT) But now, the time of the Gentiles is introduced.... our place in the story. I'm excited to see how the threads continue through the next 20 days...

I'll keep you posted :)

a melting. softening heart....

2010-08-04T22:17:00.002-07:00

I'm taking a quick break from my reading updates... not because I'm not reading, but because today was my birthday. I say was because it's getting close to 1:00 am and I should be sleeping! *the time posted is a little off*.

This year I decided to do something I have never done before... I purposefully invited people to my house to celebrate, not just my birthday, but all that God has done this past year. I was amazed, stunned, delighted and amused by how many people actually came. It was ... well amazing.

At one point as I looked around my living room and saw all the people that came, and what they have meant to me over this past year and longer, I could feel my heart melting. It wasn't that I didn't know these people and many others who sent their regrets cared about me, I knew that, it was a moment of letting God's love be personified in these people.

I then went to my email and there 48 messages of birthday greetings. Now I know that people on facebook get birthday alerts, but they responeded to it, and sent a message.

I got an ecard from a dear friend, I got a phonecall today from a friend who I miss dearly who lives far away. My boss (new boss no less) bought me a rose and took me out for lunch, and I was greatly blessed.

It was God's love personified because as I looked around the room, every one of them had God's Spirit in them, and there was much laughter, and even great effort to get here (thanks Ray... that rocked :) It was God's love because God was showing me in a tangable, un-ignorable ( I know not a word...) way that He saw me, He loved me, and He has surrounded me with people of His character... and what is that ? Love.

As one of Misty Edwards songs says "I am blessed, I am blessed among men".

Years ago, I was walking somewhere in Michigan and saw a pond near the end of winter. It was the perfect picture for what God was promising to do in my life at that time. I knew that he was promising that my heart too, would melt, that spring would come, and that my heart would be softened by His love. That was many years ago, and tonight I am reminded of that promise. I've come a long way since then, through seasons of melting and freezing and melting and freezing and melting again. But tonight was different. It wasn't just the number of people, or even the depth of friendships represented in each face, but it was something more... something I can' t seem to explain... but it impacted me greatly.

Since I know there are some of you who are reading this, (the counter lets me know how many lurkers there are) If you were in that room... THANK YOU. If you weren't, thanks for reading my random and almost daily thoughts. The Lord has been so good to me and I can't believe the privilege I have to walk with a body of believers that personify His love to me.

Thank you Jesus, for my life, for the struggles in it, for the journey you have me on, and for all that is yet to come. And my heart softens and melts BECAUSE You move in and through my life. There aren't enough words to say thank you.

"that they may know that I am the Lord"

2010-08-02T18:53:00.002-07:00

Why does God do what He does? Now there is a question that we can spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out!

As I finished Ezekiel today and have been reading throught the book these last few days... I came to realize that repeatedly (in fact its stated 63 times in the first 40 chapters) when God gives a word to Ezekiel it was to show them that He was the Lord. Whether it was judgement coming, judgement already administered or the promise of restoration... God would end each degree with one of two statements: "that they may know that I am the Lord" or "I, the Soveriegn Lord have spoken"

It is so easy for me to think that I exist for my own purposes, but I exist solely to bring glory to Him. His judgements and promises aren't about me or us, they are about Him. That sounds a little egotistical stated that way, but it's the exact opposite of egotistical. He created us as an expression of Love, as an expression of himself and the longing that He has for His creation to love Him back. His judgements harsh and extreme as they were for Israel, were expressions of His deep love and longing for them. He wanted them, the nations surrounding them, and the nations of the earth (all mentioned at different times) to know that He was the true God, the one that made them, and He would demonstrate His power in an attempt to woo them back, to see His power, soverignty, justice and LOVE, in order to draw them back to Him.

God does things, ALL THINGS, so that we would turn and recognize Him as God. The phrase (and I've used it in previous postings) "He is God and there is no other" keeps running through my mind and heart. What I'm discovering as I let that permeate and marinate in my mind and heart is that God who has no equal, no one to even compare him to... Loves insignificant me... (or despicable me... which I still haven't seen yet) That means life for me. Real life. And I'm seeing a whole different side of God.

And in that I am awed and amazed, humbled, afraid, and some what more alive than I've ever been.

Weeping, Lamenting, Awaiting restoration

2010-07-29T19:00:00.001-07:00

Jeremiah, in His writing of Lamentations (at least most scholars believe he wrote it) lays out in prose form a beautiful and haunting lament for Israel. He starts with mourning the loss of what "beautiful Jerusalem" once was, then moves to reflecting and to some degree crying out for his own pain, his own suffering, but moves quickly to a place of awaiting God's promised restoration. It's an amazing book because it takes you through the emotions of the people of that day who still loved God and wanted to follow Him.

Its a book that shows the consequences of not following the law of God, of ignoring His decrees that were never meant or designed to restrict the people but to give them freedom from the snares of the enemy... both Spiritually and in the nations around them. It boggles my brain to think that even with all of Jeremiah's and (as I'm reading now) Ezekiels warnings and odd behaviours that demonstrated the calamity and captivity that was coming, the people still had the audacity to silence the prophets... Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel... each one dared to go against what all the false prophets were saying... "peace and safety... peace and safety" when the Lord was saying calamity and captivity, famine, war, and disease.

Is it simply man's desire (and by that I count myself as well) to believe that all will be well, and that disaster won't strike me? It might strike others, but not me. Isn't that what so many young people (alas; which I am no longer counted one of) say? I'm invinsible, I won't get hurt...

I think these last three books of the Bible are a wake up call. At least they are for me. Complacency is a killer. Believing that all will be the same from now til our deaths is ignorance. The Bible... especially the old testament... shows a God that is jealous for His people... not OF them but FOR them. It demonstrates a creator who LONGS for relationship with His created ones. He IS love. His judgements ARE loving. His anger NEVER lasts forever, but He WILL judge.

We are kidding ourselves if we believe that the world will remain as it is for the rest of our lives. We are listening to false prophets when they speak of peace and safety for all mankind. It's not what the Lord says in the Bible. It may be the Old Testament, but God is the same yesterday, today and forever. We are compromising everywhere throughout Canada and the USA. We are making laws and decrees that go directly against His Word.

Jeremiah's lament makes so much more sense to me now. today then it ever has. His heart is broken, as I said in an earlier post, because it didn't have to go that way. The people were given so many opportunities to turn and repent and cry out... and He would have relented. But they stubbornly and with ignorance (or was it arrogance?) kept moving away from God, forcing God's judgement to come. And it came. And as Jeremiah describes it in Lamentations, He cast the people to the four winds, scattering them throughout the earth.

But then... Ezekiel. I have noticed already in my first day of reading, (through to chapter 12) of Ezekiel, that this is the book where God explains what is behind the judgement. There is one phrase that keeps popping up "so that they may know that I am the Lord". God's judgement is not an end to itself... an "I told you so" kind of judgement. It's a longing and a desire for His chosen people to remember and recognize that He is God and there is no other and out of LOVE for them, he punishes and forgives once his anger is "spent".

He is a God to be feared, worshiped and honoured with reverance. He is Holy, He is Love, His is Righteous in all he does, and He is GOOD.

Wow.

the weeping prophet part 2

2010-07-27T15:37:00.002-07:00

Jeremiah, like Isaiah, is a long book.

I'm in Chapters 33-43 ish (something like that) today and all the prophesies of the earlier chapters are coming true. Babylon has but Jerusalem under siege... the people refuse to surrender as the Lord directed, (actually the king refused) and now many of them are dead, the king has watched the nobles of Israel and his own family slaughtered before him and has now had his eyes gouged out...

Yah, not a happy, feel good book. It's tragic. It's painful to read because it could have turned out so differently.

All day today I have been mulling over these chapters and especially the fate of the King of Israel. His punishment seems so harsh. So many people die because they refuse to turn back to the Lord. My question today, as I was working and making lots of phone calls.... was what area am I that stubborn in? Is there an area in my life that God has told me flat out what will happen if I don't follow His ways, and I do it anyway? OF COURSE there is!! I think all of us have some area that we fight to surrender. WHY is that? HE IS GOD AND THERE IS NO OTHER... what could I possibly have to say in defense of my stubbornness?

Then I thought about Jeremiah... while he is sitting in jail, and even for a time in the bottom of a mud caked cistern for speaking out the word of the Lord against Jerusalem, he doesn't weep for himself, but for the people of God, and their stubbornness and rebellion. His heart remains steadfast in following God's words and commands. I want to be like Jeremiah. I want my heart to break for the judgements that are inevitably coming on our nation. I want to be one who declares truth no matter what the cost... not aim to keep everyone happy.

I have a long way to go, but I'm praying the Lord continue to soften my heart and to break my heart with the things that break His. I want to be so moved in prayer that tears are my only option. If you know me at all, that is something only Jesus can do in me

The book of Jeremiah has much to ponder. But once again it leads me back to His unfailing love and perfect justice. I think it's chapter 38 or 39 where the Lord says I love them, so I must discipline them... all unto drawing them back to Himself. Once again, He is God and there is no other... who am I to argue?

the weeping prophet

2010-07-25T19:34:00.002-07:00

Yes, I am reading Jeremiah. Amazing how many times God tells him directly : DO NOT pray for this nation, I will not hear your prayers. At one point God even says, even if Moses and Elijah (or was it Abraham... have to look that up again) pleaded for the people of Israel, He would not relent.

Why is God so angry? He says it over and over again: It is because Israel and Judah have abandoned Him, turned their backs and worshiped worthless idols. They have sacrificed their children to fire, and have refused to obey His laws. His judgement on them is sending them into exile in Babylon under Nebuchanezar. The amazing thing though is that in His anger there is mercy... He tells them, if you surrender to Babylon, you will live, some of you will even be able to stay and farm your land... and in 70 years return to your homeland. But if you don't surrender... you will be killed.

So why is Jeremiah called the weeping prophet? Repeatedly through the book he cries out to God for mercy, and he weeps when God refuses to relent.

Why is Israel and Judah so stubborn? Because they are being led by FALSE prophets and teachers of the Law. Jeremiah is warning them of the judgement to come, and the false prophets try to kill him and call him a traitor for speaking out against Jerusalem. The false prophets are claiming that God (within two years no less) will break the yoke of Babylon and there will be peace and safety.

So Jeremiah weeps.

My question as I sat down to read Jeremiah over the last couple of days has been, "What does this all have to do with me in 2010?" I know that there are some end time prophesies mixed in with the prophesies of the coming judgement and those are relevant and important, but what is God wanting to say to me???

I think I got the answer to that today. Jeremiah was countercultural. He went against every norm and cultural standard of the day. He spoke judgement when everyone else spoke peace and safety... He like Isaiah who wandered the wilderness nude for three years, did some unusual things, like wore a yoke around his neck to symbolize the yoke of Babylon and the captivity the people were going into.

At one point, and I love this, Jeremiah kind of gets angry at God and says "you tricked me into this," you made me a prophet whose only message is doom and destruction, but even as he tried to stay silent and just let the people do what they were going to do regardless of his warnings from the Lord, "it was like a fire in his bones" He HAD to speak up... HE HAD TO WARN ISRAEL AND JUDAH, hoping against all hope that they would turn and that God would then relent and save His chosen people.

Jeremiah (the book) shows AGAIN, God's justice, His unfailing love, His unfailing promises, and His desire for His people. He promises to raise up a deliverer, He promises to return them to Jerusalem.... but not until they turn to Him out of love and repentance.... His unfailing patience.
I'm learning (or being reminded) that God is constant... He never changes. That brings incredible comfort to me as my whole world changes again tomorrow.

I go back to work... in a new place, but back to work. It's been awhile and I'm nervous, scared, excited and terrified all at once. Someone likened it to bungee jumping... you have every belief that the cord will hold you, but it is still a jump of faith. God is my constant today, tomorrow, forever. What I don't want, is to loose my connection with Him, my pursuit of Him, because of busyness and other priorities. My prayer is that God would grant me a similar heart to Jeremiah... one that will stand up for what God is saying and not back down... where ever he is and in whatever way God asks of Him. As God is constant, I want to be steady... remaining in His word and proclaiming His truth.

"whether in the prayer room or behind a desk" my desire is to bring Glory to the Lord.

fot the sake of HIs name...

2010-07-22T09:49:00.002-07:00

Isaiah is a book to be read with a good cup of coffee in your hand... not because it will make you fall asleep, but because over and again he cries out for ALL the peoples of the earth to be alert, for the nations of the world to be aware... and for that you want to be awake!

The last couple of days have been in Isaiah, and I'm making my way through chapters 40- 52 ish today, but I had to stop and comment. The Lord says over and over again through Isaiah that He and He alone is God. He mocks the gods made by human hands and is angered that the heart of His chosen ones are constantly drawn to gods that can do nothing.

He reminds them of where He has taken them from, the mighty miracles He preformed for them in Egypt and in the wilderness, how He has called them by name, Jacob, His servant, Israel His chosen ones, Abraham, His friend. And He reminds them of what He has promised to do... to bless them if they follow His ways AND to curse them if the refuse. He has told them ahead of time what will come because He knew they wouldn't follow and he knew He would have to use that same mighty arm that saved them to discipline them.

He does it out of His love for them and as is said repeatedly in Isaiah for two other reasons as well, that the world may know that He is the Lord and that His name would be honoured and glorified throughout the earth. He's not making empty promises, and throughout He calls His people back to Him, and tells them to simply turn and repent and He will relent and heal them and gather them again into His arms. But His judgement is hard and strong when they turn from Him.

I'm listening to IHOP as I am reading (ihop.org... you can listen to the prayer room for free!) and they were singing "For the Glory of Your name" over and over as they prayed for the young people coming to a conference there. It just made me think... how does my life reflect that desire to bring Glory to His name... for the sake of His name... for His reputation.

I remember hearing somewhere that a father said to his son, "remember whose name you carry" essentially saying what you do reflects on me. God is saying the same thing to Israel and to all the nations of the world... He is calling all to Himself and to follow His ways, and those that do reflect His name.

I caught a snipit of a tv show yesterday where a comedian was giving his take on the life of Christians. He said that the church had so made things about the rewards in heaven that Christians don't think they have to do good on earth. And in incredible mockery, he said it's a doctrine that encourages suicide. I was horrified by his statement, but then realized what message to the masses do many of us give by the way we live under the label of "Christian".

Isaiah addresses that with the Israelites as well as in one of his prophesies, God says to them, you call yourself mine, you worship me. you sacrifice to me but your heart is far from me. He is longing for them to turn and to love Him for real. And as I read through Isaiah, He is saying the same thing to me.

100% Joyska, I want all of you... all the time. Not only for Joyska's sake, but for the GLORY of HIS NAME. Everything good thing in my life is from Him. Every struggle He uses to strengthen His child. I'm in God, I'm in.

My first car...ever... Unto the glory of God!!!! :)

2010-07-21T23:00:00.002-07:00

God is amazing. In the last week, I've gotten a job that allows me to work towards my Masters, and a car... for free. This beautiful little 1998 Dodge Neon R/T two door standard, was a gift to the church who then gifted it to me. It drives beautifully and I am zipping around learning standard... stalling occasionally, grinding gears rarely... but whipping around corners and having fun! What an incredible God we serve!

I will be 39 in two weeks from today... and this is my first car that is in my name! It's really mine, it's not borrowed, it's not a company car... it's mine, and I didn't pay a cent for it! I of course now will be paying gas and insurance, but it's mine! I've never owned anything more expensive than my computer or my guitar (oh, and now my keyboard), and have always been so good with that,,, by that I mean happy. This owning a car thing is great! But I must say it's forcing me to say... well, I guess its time to grow up! haha... about time eh?

What I am most excited about though is that it is a gift from God. This job is from God, moving here to Steinbach was God's idea... He placed me in Southland and has changed my life in so many ways! This post is to say Thank you Jesus and to YOU be the glory!!!

Quick Update on "negotiations"

2010-07-20T21:55:00.002-07:00

For those of you who don't follow facebook, I GOT THE JOB!!! I am now the development assistant at Providence College and Seminary. Part of the negotiation process was asking to be able to take more courses than originally offered per semester in order to finish my masters degree in a shorter amount of time. I wasn't sure if that was even going to be possible given the policies in place for staff. However, as I presented my perspective and that the masters program was part of what drew me to the position, I was pleasantly surprised to see that my request was more than granted. Lots of details, but essentially, come January I will be taking courses towards my masters in counselling and working full time in development. I am thrilled. And I start in less than a week! (July 26)... If you know where I was at a year ago... you know the miracle that has taken place in all of this! WOO HOO!!

prophets and "thus saith the Lord"

2010-07-20T21:30:00.002-07:00

Isaiah.... need I say more?

I'm about half way through the book and as I'm reading, I'm seeing two sides of God... Isaiah, in his many "thus sayeth the Lord" moments or (NLT) "Listen to the word of the Lord" speaks of God's judgement on Israel, and His redemption of Israel. He speaks of the terrible and glorious day of the Lord in one breath. He talks about "In that day" referring to the at hand judgements AND the last days judgements. But no matter what He speaks, again the thread is God's Justice, Holiness, Unfailing Love, and Unfailing promises.

These for the most part are not Isaiah's words... they are God's. They are words spoken through the prophet to the people of Israel, who for the most part ignore Him and go their merry way... ignoring the judgement that is coming. Some of it is super specific... "within 65 years" and it's like it falls on deaf ears... and history shows the word to be true...

Some of it is specifically about the coming of the Messiah and are familiar verses to many of us... "unto you a child is born, unto you a son is given...and the government will be on his shoulders and he shall be called wonderful, counsellor, prince of peace" To those of us who follow Jesus, of course these words are about Him, it's so obvious, so clear... but to the people of that day and modern Jews, it speaks of a Messiah who will free them from earthly oppression. And they still await the Messiah.

I read these words and my heart quickens and is excited, because I know it is about the Lord Jesus Christ and that His suffering brought me to salvation. His life and death made it possible for me to connect again with God with Christ as mediator and intercessor. My heart is filled with awe and wonder at such a plan and am astounded by the grace and love behind it all... for His people... all who fear Him... but especially for HIS chosen people. Isaiah speaks often that the Lord has not forgotten Jerusalem, has not forgotten Israel and that a remnant will worship Him.

I am grafted in to the family of God. I am His and He is mine because He loved me first and sent Jesus to be the ultimate sacrifice. But He came first for the Jews and then the gentiles. His heart does not change. His heart is still for Israel. I know that... have known that for years, but it struck me today as I was reading through the first half of the book. The day of judgement and fury and the day of glory and might are coming. The story for us and for Israel has not yet unfolded. I'm fascinated by this God who cannot break His promises to His people and who continually draws them to Himself and how we now are part of that body... through HIS grace and mercy.

Wow. What are the prophets saying to us today? What is His word saying to us? Have I hardened my heart against the word of the Lord as to his return? Isaiah talks about that day too. My prayer continues to be "Holy Spirit, teach and guide me as I read your word... don't let my heart be hardened... open the eyes of my heart, that I may know your ways!"

Sobering reading, but oh so exciting!

Promises, Promises...

2010-07-16T23:53:00.003-07:00

I just finished reading through Psalms and am well on my way through Proverbs. What an amazing and fascinating journey. Psalms always capture my emotions because I can relate to some of the seemingly emotional ups and downs that David and the other writers of the Psalms go through. One minute it's "God where are you, don't abandon me to my enemies" and with good reason as David finds himself on the run from Saul, from his own son, and at different times from other nations. But almost every Psalm that starts out that way ends with "Yet I will praise Him" or "I will remember His promises and the marvelous things He has done"

My journey as I've been reading has included asking God to show me a common thread that goes through all scripture. He's shown me many actually. One I talked about in an earlier post about God's UNFAILING love. That is a HUGE thread running through every page. Another one though, that I picked up on today is God's promises and that they too are UNFAILING. Proverbs is all about wisdom and a father speaking to his children to not despise discipline but to regard it as a gift, keeping them on the path of the righteous. But Solomon also reminds them of God's promises to Israel and all who fear the Lord. He talks about the wicked being swept away, and the righteous being justified, and avenged. His wisdom comes directly from the Lord (because He asked for it!... whole other post) and He focuses on discipline and the coming fulfillment of the promises of the Lord.

So what's my point?

Well... for me, I'm discovering that God is safe. He is not tame ( as Mr. Tumnis and Lucy discuss in the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe) but He is good. Safety is important to me as I've lived most of my life in "survival" mode.

For God to be safe, meaning, loving and consistant, just and holy (see previous post) means I can let my defenses down and let HIM be my protector and champion. No small thing when I've taken on that role myself for the last 35 + years (and not done so well at it either... )

I've read through the Bible before, and at IHOP (prayer not pancakes) even did it once in 30 days, but I have never felt the impact of the words UNFAILING LOVE and UNFAILING PROMISES like I have this time through. I'm only a day past half way through the 90 day reading plan, but I am in awe of the power of His word in my life right now.

To end as David so often does "Praise the LORD"

Justice and Holiness.... One in the same?

2010-07-13T06:46:00.002-07:00

In the 90 day reading through the Bible Campaign, I am smack dab in the middle.

Last night I read through many of the Psalms and was really pondering some of the truths presented there. Many of them are "worship the Lord" and just as many if not more are "O God, listen to my cry!" But Psalm 99 - 103 really got my brain turning.

I have this thing about Justice. I hate it when I see unjust things happen to people, I want justice done, I want to see that those responsible for injustice are held accountable. People should have to be held accountable for wrong doings right? My problem is that I want to see Justice done in my way..... That is where the problem comes in.

Psalm 99 starts with : "The Lord is King! Let the nations tremble" and vs 3-4 says " Let them praise your great and awesome name. Your name is Holy! Mighty King, lover of justice, You have established fairness, You have acted with Justice throughout Israel."

Most of my life, I have worked in the inner city in some form, whether with children, teens, or homeless men and women. I have loved interacting and have been honoured to be allowed to hear their stories... but many of them DAILY face injustice from currupted systems, greedy people, and heartless programs that started out with good intentions, but became monsters unto themselves. Where is the Justice in those situations? Where do these precious, though wounded and jaded ones find relief?

Even as I look at the current issues of abuse of 1 in 3 women reported and 1 in 5 boys... or at the staggering rates of human trafficking and slavery, again I want to cry out, God where is your Justice for THESE ones? Why stay your hand? Your arm is mighty to save,,, you have compassion for the poor and the fatherless, for the widows... where is their help?

But then I realize again, my focus is temperal. His is eternal. Will He reign on the earth? Will He bring justcice to the nations? Yes... because He IS HOLY and he IS JUST. The Lord sees. The Lord knows, and he holds his judgement back out of mercy, that some may still turn to Him. God will not hold His anger back forever, there will be a day of account, but He is also a God who is compassionate and loving and will not force anyone to do what is right.

I've had to come to grips with this over and over in my life, for my own circumstances and as I have had the privilege of being part of so many hurting lives. I want justice now. But I have to realize that if He comes in full judgement now, there is no hope left for these ones who oppress and harm others. Yes, I want people to be held accountable, but I'm not ready to stand in judgement and say they deserve Hell. So by holding back His Judgement He is showing Mercy... and in His mercy is Holiness. One in the same? I don't know, but you can't desire one and not experience the other along with it.

Knowing He is a JUST God, allows me to feel safe. Knowing He is a HOLY God, forces me to trust His judgements and pray for those who have yet to find Him.

Unfailing Love

2010-07-10T19:24:00.002-07:00

God has had me on a quest of sorts for quite some time. The quest has been to "redifine" Love. The word "love" for me has been well, shall we say, a little jaded, and has caused my heart to grow on many occasions cold. Not always, and not to everyone, but moments of sarcastic roles of the eye and gestures of "gagging" have been known to be part of my response to the idea, the word, the concept of LOVE.

Since beginning this quest the Lord has taken me to some interesting stories in Scripture. I expected and planned on beginning my quest in the "LOVE CHAPTER" otherwise known as I Corinthians 13. But He hasn't taken me there at all... not even near it. He's taken me on a journey of looking at Hosea and Gomer, David and Bathsheba, Abram and Hagar, God and the Israelites, Jacob and Leah... not Rebecca, but Leah. He's taken me to stories of great tragedy like Noah's day and the destruction of the entire earth save Noah's family. (did you know that the Bible says that the waters rose 28 FEET above the HIGHEST MOUNTAIN PEAK!!! Sorry little side note there)... Then to Mary Magdelene and Jesus... and 1 John. Every story... every chapter He has led me to shows love as UNFAILING. There are many other things descriptions and definitions He's given me along the way, but unfailing is the one that keeps coming back.

I come from a loving family. My parents, siblings, we all love each other... I am far away from them and therefore have less contact than maybe is desired on both sides, but I know that I am loved. And mom and dad, if you are reading this... thank you for that. But lets face it... human love fails. Even the best relationships fail in some way. I think that is part of what God is teaching me... human love will fail. His love does not.

This weekend our pastor is speaking on Love as a character trait, not an action, not a choice, but as part of who we are... who we are defined as. "put on love" "without love we are a clanging gong"... That the plumbline or measuring stick that God will use with us in not how many times have you read through the Scripture, or how many people did you "save", but rather "What did you do with the love I gave you... did you accept it, and did you give it away?" I've always been bothered by that, because Love was such a weird word for me and I didn't know how to accept it or give it away for real.

We all have our "love ya" and "praying for you" kind of love that we throw out there quite randomly and sometimes carelessly, but to truly love, sacrificially and unconditionally and without fail... now that is a whole other kind of love.

I'm in the book of Psalms in my 90 day through the Bible campaign, and "unfailing love" comes up again and again and again. I'm reading the NLT this time around, and it's everywhere. When God spoke to the Israelites from Genesis right through to the end of 2 Kings he refers to his love for them as Unfailing... Job calls His love unfailing... JOB! David understood it too. You see it in the narrative of his life as he quietly took care of his sheep and worshipped the Lord on the hillside, to when he was anointed King and waited years before that came to be truth, how he refused to harm the Lord's anointed while fleeing from the same man, how he ruled and worshipped before the Lord with humility and recognition that he was nothing without God, and how somehow he knew that even in the gravest of his sin, adultery and murder, he could throw himself on God's mercy because he knew that God delighted in him and His love would not fail him.

Acts 2:25 says "And David said of the Lord, He is always in my presence and is at my right side so that I may not be shaken" David knew God's love to be unfailing.

Last Sunday, God ministered this truth to my heart through the words of a song... " I believe that You're my healer, I believe You are all I need. I believe that You're my portion, I believe You're more than enough for me... Jesus You're all I need" What he spoke in those words was unfailing love. He showed me I am not too much for Him, and He is MORE than enough for me.... Unfailing Love.

The beauty of this quest to "redefine" love is that God is showing me His love is "redefining" me.

step by step

2010-07-08T18:38:00.003-07:00

I walked around my block today. It's a big block... a little over a mile... I think... but I walked it and made it home without feeling like I was about to have a heart attack or pass out.

I'm sorry to say that over this past year I have not kept my weight at a place I wanted it to be, and have somehow allowed it to creep up to an alarming number. I realize its just a number, but its something different when it effects your health and your day to day existance.

This has been a tough year, no doubt, and the Lord has answered my prayer of "I am yours, save me", but it hasn't been without its scars and bruises along the way. Somehow controlling my weight was far from top priority.

But today I walked around my block. Weight loss is not rocket science or "rocket surgery" as a dear friend of mine would say... but it does take a desire to change your life style. My doc who probably weighs 90 lbs soaking weight tells me "you need to loose 140 lbs" I want to spit back... YOU loose 140 lbs and then tell me how. But I know he's right... but it can't be done with numbers like that.

So... step by step... I'm taking it in 25 lb increments. 25 lbs in however long it takes. So I'm walking around my block, I'm biking to church (sometimes), and I'm eating less of some things and more of others... and we will see what happens.

So if you are the praying type... pray that the desire to be "well" out weighs (no pun intended) old habits and lack of motivation.

Step by step...

Negotiations

2010-07-06T21:11:00.002-07:00

I am in the midst of a very new experience. Every job I've ever worked or applied for I just accepted the terms offered. Part of that is I just assumed it was what you do, and you work your way up once you are there and can prove yourself. That's not a bad thing, infact when you are starting out it is exactly how it should be.

But what if you are almost 39 and you know that you are capable of doing the job offered, and more, and the rate of pay and benefits aren't necessarily where you want to be. Enter negotiations.

This has been an interesting day as I have gone back and forth via email with a potential employer. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have the opportunity to ask for what I want. Most of my life, I haven't felt I had that right.

But God is changing my perspective of who I am. It feels a bit like arrogance, but I am realizing that really it's not arrogance or pride, but it's more recognition of what I am capable of and what I can offer. I think that is actually a step of growth for me. I guess we will see what the employer thinks :)

Happy Canada Day

2010-07-01T19:21:00.003-07:00

So how did you spend your Canada day?
I stayed in bed til 1:00, got up and have been watching movies ALL day long! haha
TCM (turner classic movies) has been playing movies like "rebel without a cause" and "blackboard jungle" great classics about young people getting into trouble.

Interesting how different the outlook on teenagars was in the fifties. They were seen as trouble makers, but not "lost causes". The schools were rough and fights were common, but people could see through to the soft side of kids.

It's made me wonder about the condition of schools today and the things that are happening to kids in 2010. I caught a part of an episode of "the secret life of a teenager" the other day and it saddened me. There is so much going on in the lives of kids today, so much that weighs on them and that they have to choose everyday. The culture screams the opposite of what we want for so many of them.

Reading through the 1st Chronicles, and again seeing the laws and commandments that God laid out and how the Israelites were tripped up by the culture of the people who stayed behind. The way they quickly turned from the Almighty to the gods of the day. Are we any different?

Just some questions that are rattling in my head... and some things I feel compelled to pray about.

90 day reading plan

2010-06-29T19:58:00.002-07:00

The church I am attending has challenged the congregation to read through the bible in 90 days. We started on June 1, 2010 and as of today, (29 days in) I started reading 1 Chronicles. It's been an incredible journey over these last 29 days. Genesis was inspiring as the world literally unfolds and God's plan and mercy is demonstrated over and over again. Exodus, seriously one of my favourite books of the Bible because of how God's power, love, mercy, jealousy, and justice is shown throughout the book. Leviticus? AMAZING. I had to power through some of the brutal sacrifice descriptions, but it shows how important Jesus' sacrafice was to meet the standard and requirement of the law. Not only that ( and that is the whole point) but God chose a people from among a chosen people to be HIS priests and representatives for the larger body of Israel. Brilliant.

NUMBERS... a dreaded book for many, but somehow it came alive for me as I read it through again this time. The exactness and precision in which God led His people is astounding. The weakest tribes (in number) where protected by the stronger tribes and in the middle was the Tabernacle every time they moved. When the census was done, the first born of every Israelite was accounted for and redeemed... almost to the exact number of Levites. Astounding!

Dueteronomy... if you ever want to be a lawyer... there is a book for you! It's profound... a little hard to read, but so clear as to what God wanted from His chosen people. Blessings and curses were given as a choice. TWICE they were offered a disease free community... IF they would follow the law, instructions and mandates that He laid out for them... But IF NOT, he would exile them from the land he had given them and by the end of 2nd Kings, that is exactly the state of Israel and Judah.

Joshua... one of my favourite characters in scripture. He was Moses assistant, served him the whole time they were in the desert, was one who believed God would give them the land promised and only one of two who actually entered it and saw the promises of God come true from the original 600,000 + men who saw God deliver them from Egypt. AMAZING

Judges... a commentary on God's grace and mercy, and especially an incredible book to read to see that God ALWAYS raises up a deliverer when His people cry out to Him.

Ruth... Ruth actually means friendship... and is so beautifully demonstrated in her relationship with Naomi. What a story again of redemtion and God's faithfulness even in the darkest of circumstances.

1st and 2nd Samuel... the beginning of the Kings of Israel. The raising up of a prophet who would cry out for God's mercy again and again for His chosen people. Samuel, dedicated to the Lord from a young boy... and God was with Him and spoke through Him, and changed the hardening heart of Israel through words of truth and righteousness. He anoints Saul as King... a man head and shoulders above all other men in Israel... a man chosen because the people wanted to be like the nations around them... and rejected God as their king.

1st and 2nd Kings.... the split of David's Kingdom... The reign of Solomon, the building of the Temple the following of God's decrees and the rewards of that followed by a series of kings who either did evil in the sight of the Lord or were pleasing to the Lord... more evil than good I'm afraid... and God's anger burned against His people until they would recognize their sin and cry out to Him. But by the end of this book... the people are exiled and the Lord has rejected and abandoned His people... to discipline, not to despise! That's what I love about these two books, His heart is always for His people, He disciplines only to draw them back to Him.

And today I started 1 Chronicles... so far a recap of the geneologies. Fascinating to see and read especially after just reading through Kings. The bloodline is so important for the promises God made to Abraham, Jacob, Moses, to David... and God upholds His promises all the way through. Faithful... even in Israel's unfaithfulness.

What a story. What a book. What a God.

Blogging again... for me :)

2010-06-29T19:48:00.002-07:00

It's been almost 2 years since I blogged anything on this site. But I feel like it's time to write again. These last 2 years have had more ups and downs than I could ever beging to explain, but I have come through, and have found myself stronger, more confident in who I am in God, and who He has created me to be. I don't how often I will blog, but I know it will be what is on my heart. So... if you are interested in coming along on the journey, come check it out. Otherwise, its just me talking to me... which is okay too :)

First Sunday of Advent

2008-12-01T05:42:00.003-08:00

I had the privilege of going to an interchurch gathering yesterday. 11 churches were represented from Lutheran, United, Mennonite, to Catholic. It was a service celebrating the first Sunday of Advent. It's been a long time since I've been in a church that followed a liturgy and had congregational singing with only a piano. It brought me back to the days when I used to attend a more traditional church. It was really great.

What always amazes me about Advent is that it unifies congregations. It doesn't matter in that moment what brand of doctrine we believe because it is all about the coming of the saviour of all. And somehow that draws everyone together.

Isaiah 2:2-5 "In those days, the Temple of the LORD in Jerusalem will become the most important place on earth, People from all over the world will go there to worship. Many nations will come and say, "Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD, to the Temple of the God of Israel. There He will teach us his ways , so that we may obey him. " For in those days the Lord's teaching and his word will go out from Jerusalem.

The Lord will settle international disputes. All the nations will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. All wars will stop, and military training will come to an end. Come, people of Israel, let us walk in the light of the LORD!" (NLT)

The unity shown last night is nothing compared to what is coming. The first Sunday of Advent, for me is a time of anticipation. Anticipation of the celebration of His first coming, anticipation of what He is doing in the earth now, and an even greater anticipation of His return.

Come LORD Jesus, Come!

"this is my brother darryl and my other brother darryl"

2008-11-29T18:21:00.002-08:00

I have a lot of friends with same name.

For example this is what my day was like:
I left the house at 8:00 am and met my friend Deb for breakfast
I wondered the Forks and the mall for a while after that, and then met my friend Cheryl for a movie at which my other friend Deb was supposed to join us.
I then returned to my apartment where my friend Sheryl lives.
I got on to my facebook page and am playing scrabble with yet another Deb, and yet another Cheryl.

I just hope there isn't a Christmas party in which they all attend.

moses the murderer

2008-11-28T19:44:00.003-08:00

I don't know about you, but when I think of Moses, I don't always think of him as a murderer. Not only was he guilty of murder, but then he became a fugitive. He ran away. As a child he was abandoned by his mother (to save his life, but abandoned all the same) was raised in a foster home, got the best education, but threw it all away when anger got the best of him.

Doesn't sound like the greatest candidate for leadership. His resume would most likely be thrown into the "recycle bin" in most companies.

But throw God into the picture and everything changes. God saved his life when his mother sent him up the river. God raised him up in Pharoah's company because he knew he would need to understand that world in later years. God saw him murder the egyptian and watched him flee, only to give him the experience of being a shepherd in the wilderness... another world he would have to understand.

It was in that place, knowing he was a murderer, knowing he had fled, knowing his past and everything about him that God chose to meet him. Moses was probably feeling like he had failed God, his family and his people, and was living out his days quietly as a shepherd and a father, a husband and a son in law.

But God saw more. He took him from that place of utter obscurity and placed him infront of Pharoah once again. He took him from the desert as a fugitive to the being a leader of a nation leading them through the desert. God saw his future, not his past. God entered into his life from the very beginning and shaped him through every circumstance.

God called Moses his friend.

I don't know about you, but THAT gives me hope.

Advent begins in 2 days. I pray that this season reminds us all that God sees our future and walks us through the now. So much so, that he sent Jesus to solidify our place with Him, so that all of us can be not only God's children, but also His friend.

more about expectations

2008-11-25T15:46:00.002-08:00

I was thinking again about the expectations we put on people. This is a rather serious post and a longer than usual one, so if you are looking for something light and fun, this isn't the one to read right now :) though it may enlighten or at the very least encourage you.

There is a quote that fortunately or unfortunately was made famous by Drew Barrymore in "Ever After" that says:

"If you suffer your people to be ill-educated, and their manners corrupted from infancy, and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded, sire, but that you first make thieves and then punish them?

I read the concept years ago in Thomas Moore's "Utopia" and went "hmmm, good point" and kept reading. Well, I was confronted with some of that logic today. Many of you know that I have been working in the inner city most of my adult life. From the time I was in college to my present job now, I have in some way wanted to impact the poor and less fortunate in our cities.

I met someone today who had a lot to say about that. He spoke about how the native community in our country is in the condition it is in because so much has been taken from them:

Treaties that have never been renogatiated as time passed, eventhough the needs and understandings of the communities had changed.

Residential schools that tore apart families, if not by force, then by introducing new language and new culture into the children only to return to their families and not "fit in" anymore, or not wanting to.

Land deals that took men who lived off the land and in the bush, and were prosperous and industrious and made them dependant on other institutions to take care of them.

And ultimately many of them leave their homes to come to the city to learn a new skill, or work in the industries, or simply because there is even less for them in their home towns.

So many of them end up in the poor areas of the city. Some of them end up on the street. Many of them are dependant on alcohol and drugs to just feel better, even if it's just for a little while.

I took in all that my new friend was sharing and it made me rethink how I look at the alcoholics and drug addicts that I know. Sometimes, even though I know this isn't the case, I expect that they should just be able to stop drinking. They should know how to "pull up their boot straps" and do what they need to do, and I get frustrated when they don't or chose not to.

But here is the problem. The list that my new friend gave me as to reasons why they don't "get better" makes sense. They are good reasons (not excuses). I myself have trouble just "doing what I need to do" for my own lists of reasons. But somehow, they are and I am expected to.
I'm not trying to say that people aren't responsible for their own actions, I am fully aware of the devestation that happens when people blame everyone else for their problems, but I think that there has to be a place for grace.

Expectation is the mother of disappointment. (I didn't come up with that)

What is the opposite of expectation? I've come to realize that for me, it's grace and acceptance. Grace takes into account the situation and accepts the person anyway. YES I want to challenge the status quo in the lives of my friends AND in my own life, but I need to remember the factors that got them there. Expectations, no unfair expectations without grace cause all of us to misunderstand.

Now, what does ANY of this have to Advent?

Everything. God has a level of expectation of His creation as well. It's called the law. Obviously none of us will live up to that law at least according to Romans 3:23. It's ONLY through God's grace and acceptance of us that salvation was even possible. So once again, as always it comes down to love. (John 3:16). God loves me, I love God, myself and my neighbour. Give without expecting anything in return.

So as Sunday and the first official day of Advent approaches, my prayer is that rather than unfair expectations of others, myself and even of God... I pray for grace and acceptance for myself and others, and trust in the God who loves me.

2008-11-19T16:25:00.002-08:00

Well, I've decided to blog again. Not so much for anyone else, but more for me.
I am always a little more introspective, and well, pensive this time of year. Part of that comes from where I work and seeing how the weather changing affects the homeless and those at risk.
But it's more about expectations.

Christmas time means warm feelings and eggnog,
presents and times with family
Christmas songs playing in the mall and Santa making the rounds (Cuz if there is only one Santa Clause, he sure is busy!)
Kids bright eyed and making their list
etc and etc.

Don't get me wrong, if you know me at all you know I LOVE the Christmas season and am biting at the bit to get my tree up and decorate with all the pretty lights. I love to drink the eggnog, buy Christmas presents, and wandering the mall? My favourite passtime at Christmas.

But it's the EXPECTATION that it is all going to be wonderful. It's the EXPECTATION that everyone should be with family and be happy about it. The problem is, the expectation is rarely what it turns out to be.

Some of us are not able to go home for Christmas, and for many people home isn't exactly the place "celebrations" happen. Not all the things on the list are going to be under the tree, and gratefulness isn't always the response to presents anyway.

See, but that is where God is different. He created us with expectation in us for HIM. For his coming, and ultimately for his return. So this year, I want to focus on EXPECTING Jesus. Advent is such an amazing time of year. It's not about what Christmas has become. It's about what God intended to bring us back to --a place where we can meet him face to face -- talk about expectation :)

So this year, instead of telling you all the Christmas movies I'm watching, I'm going to go through Advent with you, if you want to come along. Who knows what to expect!

So, I'm back to blogging, and I'm filled with expectation!

humbled

2008-08-05T09:26:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was my 37th birthday.
I was at work for most of it and really was glad I was there. One of the "poets" in our midst wrote a poem for me and many of the patrons signed a couple of cards for me. It was very sweet. One of the guys went to his place and returned with a gift wrapped in newspaper and black hockey tape. (electrical tape for you americans unfamiliar with hockey hehehe). As I opened the gift, it was a 3d style picture of a deer in the woods. It wasn't necessarily something I would have picked out myself, but it was something that was on his wall, and he wanted to give me something. I was humbled. He gave of the little he had, and it means the world to me. I still haven't figured out where I will hang it, but I will because I am honoured!

Then I went to see Mama Mia with my friend! And as a side note... LOVED IT! I needed a good light fun movie and that is what it was! Thanks Cheryl!

wierd day.

2008-07-29T20:17:00.003-07:00

Have you ever just had a day when all is just wierd? It was a good day, a quiet day at work, which is few and far between so in that sense it was wierd. But it was more than that. My brain today was all over the map. It started with a strange doc's appointment... far too odd to describe, let's just say it was... interesting. Then a long wait for the medication refills, which required a call to work saying I would be late. Then walking from there to work and running into more patrons on the street than I did at work today, and a day at work that went both fast and slow. It's just been one of those days I guess. Maybe if I just go lay down and sleep it will all be better in the morning. night!

Pray and serve... together... again...

2008-07-23T15:12:00.003-07:00

I had a really good day at work today. It wasn't so much because it was a quiet, uneventful day, though of course that helps, but it was more because I felt focused and clear about my purpose in being there.

In our devotions at work we talked about Colossians 4:2-6, and verse 12. They are verses primarily about prayer being vigilant (NKJV) to pray, with thanksgiving, but also to pray for Paul, who was in chains for the gospel. He asks specifically for them to pray SO THAT there would be an open door for the word, that he might speak it in a way that it is made manifest in the earth. Then verse 12 is about Epaphras, who labored fervorantly (NKJV) or wrestled (NIV) in prayer that the Colossians would stand perfect and complete in the will of God.

First of all, I know that I tend to talk about prayer alot, and that is because it is very important to me, but these verses helped me in my continuous struggle of how to bring prayer and ministry to and with the poor together.

Prayer softens the ground... it opens doors for the gospel to go forward, it once again is a both and! Then it is all about thanksgiving, thanking God for what he is already doing, coming into line with that and making His Word known. And my favourite part of all of this is verse 12. Some truly are called to LABOR INTENSELY or WRESTLE in prayer for others.

Secondly (or are we on thirdly?) Paul was in prison when he wrote this and his admonishion to those in Colosae was to allow Jesus to BE thier life, to put off old things and put on the new, to pray, to speak boldly, and to act with wisdom, and speak with grace. There is not a seperation of some do one and some do the other, we are called to ALL. But at the same time, ones like Epaphras had a great zeal to pray for those he loved and worked alongside, and ministered to. That is who I want to be.

So today, as I was at work, I could rest in the knowlege that YES, feeding the poor and caring for others and attempting to restore dignity IS a large part of my calling in life, AND right alongside it is to pray for doors to be open, for ground to be softened, and to labor intensely and wrestle in prayer for the ones God puts on my heart.

When I came back from Kansas City a couple of weeks ago, I knew that God was stirring much in my heart. I want to see a prayer room developed for the poor, the addicts, the broken in whatever way that looks like in the inner city, like Hope City and yet whatever that would look like here in Winnipeg. Today (amongst other things) has strengthened that resolve.

I'm sure there is much more to say on this in the future. I ask now though, that those of you who are faithful readers of this blog, would pray... that the doors may be open and that I may stand perfect and complete in all the will of God, but especially in regards to a "New Hope City" here in Winnipeg.

And so the journey begins

cool pic

2008-07-16T19:43:00.001-07:00

my niece Jenna took this picture. I love it!

What would you do for 14 1/2 hours?

2008-07-06T18:28:00.006-07:00

some people read (gloria)

Some play video games (Benj) Some people are fascinated by the scenery (allie)
Some people drive (stephen) well I think he was driving...
Once the ride gets longer... some people fight (I had NOTHING to do with this picture!)

And others, well... play with their hair

But most importantly... we all cried out "COW"

July 4 -- KC style!

2008-07-06T18:19:00.003-07:00

heading home.

2008-07-05T05:08:00.002-07:00

well, I guess this is it. I'm sitting in front of Higher Grounds waiting for the Fligglets. We drive home today. It has been an astounding week, complete with the craziest fourth of July nieghbourhood firework display I have ever seen... Pictures to follow!

Fligglets are here... gotta go!

Chase... too cute for words

2008-07-04T11:24:00.002-07:00

the least likely

2008-07-04T09:19:00.004-07:00

Gigi at Hope City
One of the forgotten ones

Lisa at the sound booth

Yesterday morning I had the amazing privilege and experience of going into a group home of severe schitzophrenics. There are a number of them in the core area of Kansas City and a couple of the Hope City staff have been cultivating relationships with the group homes and going in to preach and pray. Because it's what I get to do this week, I tagged along with Lisa and Gigi.

There were two tables with mostly men and a few women waiting for us when we arrived. Gigi led out with a prayer and speaking about Hope (Hope City... yah, it works) She talked about how our hope is in God, and that he works ALL things out. Lisa followed that up with talking about God getting us through the struggles and asking who wanted more from God. Gigi sang a song that was a response song and it was all about saying YES to God in all circumstances. The folks sang with gusto!

The prayer time, for me, was a humbling experiences. Each of the folks, one by one, came up for prayer as Lisa, Gigi and I layed hands on them and prophesied over their lives. One man was in tears as he heard the words of hope and took them in. Another man asked to help him be sure he was saved. As Lisa walked him through a prayer, the true conversion of a heart was evident in his eyes.

These are the forgotten ones. These are today's version of lepers. Not so much "unclean", but forgotten all the same, or at least avoided out of fear and misunderstanding of the disease. These are men and women that I felt God pour out His compassion and love on in that room yesterday.

I will never forget it.

Day 2

2008-07-01T19:37:00.002-07:00

What???? I've only been here two full days? It's intense man... it's intense!

Yesterday Lisa and I hung out all day by running around for Hope City. In all that running, we talked alot about all the things that have happened since I left as well as well... what God has been saying.

Mike Bickle on Sunday spoke on prayer and how to pray. It was a message that those at IHOP and those of us associated with the HOP's around the earth have heard many times, but the basics are always good. I wasn't yet here, so didn't hear it, but the "after shocks" I not only heard but have been experiencing.

A woman who lives with Lisa and her family had a dream on Sunday night that basically was a rerun of the service from Sunday. In the dream she heard Mike say "i keep saying it, but nobody is listening". That has, in Lisa's words, "jacked" us all up. I've been a Christian since I was 13. I've been taught how to pray, how to read scripture and how to answer the Sunday School questions with "GOD, PRAYER, or the BIBLE" which ever one fit.

I also have spent 2 1/2 years at IHOP, been hours in the prayer room, but find myself to be guilty of the accusation of YOU AREN'T LISTENING. By the way, it's not Mike saying we aren't listening to him, it's that we aren't listening to GOD. God is getting ready to break into the earth with His glory and when it comes, it will come right along with His judgements. Am I ready for the shaking that God tells of in His Word? Am I grounded enough in His love and truth that I won't be shaken? They are hard questions, especially when even with all my talk of prayer and the importance of it, and the time spent in prayer, I don't know if I can answer with a definate YES, I am listening.

There was a recent car accident here in the city where 3 people died, and it hits close to home for Lisa's family. The quickness in which these young people lost their lives is staggering. Three families torn apart because of one bad decision. It's a little more complicated than that of course, but it made the last two days of asking the question "ARE YOU LISTENING?" even more poignant.

I believe that God is of course full of grace and compassion, but He is also a jealous God, not jealous OF me, but jealous FOR me. He wants my full heart, mind soul and strength. He wants it so much that he will do whatever it takes to get it.

Jesus, help me GET it. Help me HEAR what you are saying. Open my heart and mind and especially the eyes and ears of my heart!

back to KC

2008-07-01T07:51:00.002-07:00

I am back. I am once again in the land of 24/7 worship and prayer, and it is good.

I went to Hope City again last night too and remembered the goodness of the Lord. We were praying from Philippians 1 :9-11 and asking that God's love abound more and more for the folks in the city. It was so good to be amongst a people who come from such a struggle as drugs, alcohol, and/or poverty who cry out for those like them.

At one point, one of the pastors who attends spoke about how we often think and even pray that people would "hit rock bottom" in order for them to recognize the need for and want their world to change. He reminded us that it is GOD'S GOODNESS that moves us to repentance. It made me realize I still have a lot to learn about how to pray for the broken in our society.

I miss this.

2008-06-19T08:43:00.002-07:00

At work we talk alot about what our purpose is as an organization, and as individuals who work there. At a recent meeting we "narrowed it down" to this one scripture... "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength" and of course the next part goes without saying " and love your neighbour as yourself". We now have a painting of the verse in our office. It's a great reminder of what our daily prupose is, and it's also a challenge. There are days when my purpose is just to get through the day without being overwhelmed by the stories and the pain. There are days when my purpose seems to be more about restoring dignity and hearing and acknowledging peopele and their struggles as valid, and there honestly are days my purpose is just to get through the day.

But the reminder and challenge of my purpose being to LOVE GOD, MY NEIGHBOUR and MYSELF keeps me centered on why I am really there. And it challenges me to rise above my own day to day anxieties or worries. God is brilliant to narrow it all down to that. Basically saying... If you love ME first, the rest falls into place.

I want my life to fall into place with God. I desire to see what He is doing and join Him, rather than do my own thing and ask Him to come along. Not always so easy though. My job requires a lot of emotional strength, a lot of compassion, and a ton of love for those that society often ignores. Sometimes that requirement leaves me a little empty on the side of love for myself and sometimes even God. But that is where His faithfulness comes in. He always reminds me of His love for the ones I work with, and His love for me. It's not a one way street. His command is to love Him with everything we are, and to love our neighbours and ourselves. He already does... and the rest is simply our response.

That is brilliant.

where are you coming from and where are you going

2008-06-07T05:04:00.002-07:00

I was reading Genesis last night and the story of Sarai and Hagar. Sarai had gone ahead of God's plan to provide a child for Abram and gave him her servant Hagar as a wife. Hagar became pregnant and found herself despised by Sarai. Sarai then sent her away. In the desert, Hagar encounters an angel that asks her two important questions... Where are you coming from? and Where are you going?

They are good questions. They are questions that I ask at work on a regular basis. Where have you come from? (or essentially, what brought you here?) and Where are you headed? (essentially, what's next for you?) The questions aren't just curiousity. They are questions of direction, growth, and focus. By seeing where we've been we see what we've learned, what we've experienced, how we've made mistakes, what we've done well. By thinking about where we are going we can make a plan, find a focus, dream big, or face the difficult as in Hagar's case.

Good questions. I have more rumbling in my head about this but it is off to work I go... More will come later :)

God says give, right?

2008-05-25T21:30:00.002-07:00

I have throughout my life not been afraid to give things away. In fact, I enjoy giving things away. A number of years ago, when I started attending WCV (Winnipeg Centre Vineyard) I had to grapple with giving in a whole new way. When the church was still located on Burrows, there was a large group of people who would pan handle and ask for money as all the good Christian folk were coming into or out of services. We learned to not carry cash to church. But I remember always feeling bad about that and wondering why I didn't want to help these ones who so obviously had much less than I.

I knew that often they would use whatever money they were given and use it on addictions or other inappropriate behaviours and didn't want to assist them in their addiction. Or at least that is what I told myself. Then, I read a passage in Matthew, somewhere in the Sermon on the Mount (don't have my Bible close by to give you the exact spot, and besides, it's good to search the scriptures hehehe) where Jesus says "Give to those who ask of you, expecting nothing in return" The way I read that is that I am to give, when I have it, and not worry what they are going to do with it. It doesn't read give to those who will use it wisely. So for the most part that is how I try to live.

I find myself once again in a neighbourhood where there are a lot of needs and a lot of people who want money from me. When I'm waiting at the bus stop, when I'm downtown, when I'm at the cornerstore buying something... they are right there asking for money. The other day, a man came up to me while I was coming out of a store in my neighborhood. He told me where he lived and why he needed the money. He claimed that they had just moved into the neighborhood, that their car had broken down and he needed to get back to where they were from because his daughter was in the hospital there. He sounded sincere, and as he spoke I felt likeI needed to help him out. So I did. I gave him some money and he was on his way. I didn't even think about it again.

Well, tonight, coming out of the same store, he was there again. I was wearing different glasses, had a different hair style, and was once again approached with the same story. I let him finish and then simply said, "I already helped you out a few days ago." He looked at me, turned around quickly and ran down the street. At first I felt "betrayed" and ripped off in some way, but then I realized that I had done what I was supposed to do. The Lord tells me to give, and somewhere else he says "judge not, or you shall be judged by the same measure". Give, don't judge.

Common sense would say, be wise and don't trust, but that isn't what I read in Scripture. I'm writing this to convince myself more than to state a case. I don't always get the why's, but I'm learning that that isn't the point anyway. God says give... don't judge... and I believe He also says "lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him." Can't get any clearer than that.

Does that mean I should have given this guy MORE money? I don't think so, because this time I could call him on his deception, and had he stuck around, I might of asked him what he was really using the money for... not in judgement, but in genuinely wanting to help him in a better way. Or, maybe I'm still required of the Lord to give. That is the question that I wrestle with. I'm to forgive "Seventy times seven times" and it doesn't say give once, judge later.

This is where I go to yet another Scripture in James that says "if you lack wisdom, ask for it" So Jesus... wisdom is needed, and I'm asking for it! Even if it rattles my common sense.

missing the late nights

2008-05-23T04:48:00.002-07:00

Early mornings have never been my favourite thing. Mostly because I tend to be a night owl. I love staying up late and watching movies, or just reading, and hanging out. My current job, and my seemingly constant sicknesses over the last few months, has changed that. I found myself going to bed at 9:30 yesterday, and being wide awake at 4:00 am. There were days not too long ago, that I didn't go to sleep til 4:00 am and slept until 9:30 or later. It's funny how those things turn around.

I miss my late nights though. I used to say that my most creative times were between 2 and 4 in the morning. And they were! I wrote some fun stuff during those hours, drew my best pictures, and came up with the best curriculum ideas while everyone else was sleeping (or praying when I was at IHOP... haha). Now it's my evenings that I am trying to do those things. Sometimes it works, sometimes it really doesn't, but it's all about adjusting to new things, new thought processes, and new hours.

So if you ever think... "it's 2:00, I could call Joyska... she's probably up" (which many have done throughout my life and found me awake) I will sadly disappoint. I will be sleeping at 2:00, and if you call, will be waking me out of my dreams, not my creativity.

I guess we all grow up sometime.

Free Cell Phones

2008-05-14T07:56:00.002-07:00

If you read the paper daily or watch CBC you may have heard the story about the "free" cell phone offer that has affected the folks where I work.

About a week ago, I noticed a number of our patrons gathering around a van outside. Seven or so got into the van and drove away. In asking what was going on, we discovered that someone was bringing people to a local electronics store to sign up for their own phones. The phones were free and they were given 4 months free access to unlimited calling, internet, text, and other fun stuff. The catch? After the four months, it is $62.00 a month for THREE YEARS.

In investigating further, we discovered it was a costumer cashing in a costumer incintive of a $50.00 gift card for any people they bring in. This costumer brought in anywhere from 35-50 (haven't gotten a difinitive #) of our patrons.

Now our patrons are all adults, they are capable of making their own decisions, so what's the big deal? The big deal is that someone came to a homeless shelter, taking advantage of a "minority group" if you will, by saying the phones were free. Once there, there were no credit checks, all they needed was ID, and they were signed up, given a killer phone, and brought back to the mission by the same costumer.

Now to be fair, the electronic store cancelled their costumer incentive and has offered to rescind the contracts if they want to, if they do it in the next two weeks. Knowing the folks I work with, few will return them, because they like them. Some will sell the phones to help a habit, and some will be responsible and it won't be an issue. But for those who struggle in many areas will find this yet another bill they are unable to pay.

It's just amazing to me, how someone can take advantage of a group of people who already are struggling to survive.

One in a thousand...

2008-05-11T17:30:00.003-07:00

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOM!!! (Had to throw that in!)

Last week I went to my dentist. I went in for a cleaning and because he had a cancellation, I ended up getting a check-up, and a cavity filled. Three hours later I left the dentist and headed to work with a half frozen face. As the day went on, I realized that the freezing was taking a long time to go away. By the time I came home from work I was still "pins and needles". When I woke up the next morning I realized that my tongue was STILL numb!

I called my dentist and his response? Well... it happens one in a thousand times. ONE IN A THOUSAND!!!! Basically what happened was he hit a nerve when he used the needle to freeze my mouth. Nice. I asked him how long it would last and his response was two weeks to four months. Seriously, yah... one in a thousand.

My mom had a great idea... drink hot chocolate... maybe that will help unfreeze it. heehee. She's funny.

2 years...

2008-05-04T20:39:00.003-07:00

OKAY.... SO THIS IS LAST YEAR'S PICTURE... BUT THE IDEA IS THE SAME!!!

May brings two significant anniversaries... three really. On May 7, 9 years ago, IHOP officially started 24 hours a day. Pretty significant... 7 years later, or 2 years ago, on that same May 7, Sanctuary House of Prayer began officially (not 24 / 7, but it began!).

I have had the great privlege of spending 2 1/2 years at IHOP, and now the last 8 months at Sanctuary (hereto refered to as SHOP). Tonight, those two worlds came together for a few minutes. Phil Guse (aka Phil the farmer) went down to IHOP with his family a while ago and captured greetings from all of our friends down there and put them all together for us tonight at SHOP. Many of the faces were of dear friends, and especially Hope City folk. I forget sometimes what those days were like when I am under the sickness that hits me again and again, the pain in my feet, and the overwhelming (sometimes) issues of those I work with. Tonight was a reminder of WHY I love my job, WHY I love the prayer movement and WHY I know it's time to visit KC again. I was made for this.

I've always loved to sing, I love to read the Word, and I have great compassion for the poor and underprivleged. Hope City brought that all together for me. Now SHOP and my job at the mission bring it together for me again. Five years ago it was all about the kids in the innercity and seeing freedom come to them, but I didn't know HOW to do it... I couldn't figure out WHAT to do in order to see freedom come to the inner city, partially because I thought I had to do it! NO WONDER it always fell short of what I wanted to see. GOD is at work in HIS way, and in HIS timing... I either line up with HIM or build in vain.

The third anniversary May brings is not such a happy one. On May 5, last year, Pat Bickle passed away. I think of him often and of the Bickle family as this anniversary comes around. My prayer is for great comfort and peace as well as revelation of God's hand to be real for all of the Bickles especially tomorrow. I know he is greatly missed, and I haven't forgotten.

Okay...b ack to SHOP. Two years is quite a milestone. There are many great things to come for SHOP, we all believe it and know it. There are many great things happening NOW for SHOP, and that is awesome to see... what I KNOW, and have heard or felt everytime we pray for Brian, or SHOP or the leadership of the prayer movement globally is "it's much bigger than we know". THAT is a cool thing to think about!

SO HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SHOP... and let's STAY STEADY!

A life turned upside down... literally!

2008-05-03T14:07:00.003-07:00

This morning as the patrons were coming in to the mission, one of the regulars who has become a friend in many ways walked in and looked like he was really struggling. I went over, put my hand on his back and asked if he was alright. He said he was really in pain and went on to describe what his morning had looked like. He was driving into the city with a coworker from their job site (worked really late, so they had slept at the site). He had offered the driver a cigarette, and when the driver took it he dropped his lighter. While trying to get the lighter, he swerved off the road, hit the gravel and flipped the car!

He took off his hat and showed me a gash on the top of his head surrounded by a very large bump. He said he just wanted to lay down and sleep. Now knowing that a concusion was possible, I wouldn't let him sleep. We talked for awhile, sat down and had coffee, and talked about how one decision, one action, could change everything... in an instant. This of course led to a discussion about what was important in life, and how every day is a gift. My friend has been, since I met him anyway, very resistant to any talk of God, or salvation, or death really. Today we talked for almost an hour.

I've heard much of his life story. I've learned the ups and downs that he has been through, and yet he's never asked the questions that he asked today. I could see his heart soften as we talked about how much he was loved and what God had in store for him. It was amazing, and beautiful, humbling and profound all at once. He didn't fall to his knees and accept Jesus, but he did say he had a lot to think about.

We made sure he was alright (had a doc at the mission check him out) and when he left he said to me... " I feel different some how... still in a lot of physical pain, but different." I know why, and I think he does too, but it was a great moment of knowing the Lord was at work.

Cool story

2008-04-29T15:27:00.002-07:00

The other day at the mission, we were hosting our evening meal for the homeless community. Due to a growing number of patrons as things are getting tighter financially for everyone, we were about half way through the line of over 300, and realized we may not have enough food prepared. We have food, but it wasn't necessarily ready to serve. I could see the "panic" in the eyes of our cook, but we just kept serving and praying.

Not more than 10 minutes later, a truck pulled up from the MS Super Walk here in the city. The walk happened that day and they had Subway Sandwiches left over. They asked for some help unloading, and we thought maybe a couple hundred sandwiches...

Well, lets say it was more like 1000 or more sandwiches... and we didn't run out of food! It was such an affirmation that God is fully aware of all our needs... down to sandwiches for the homeless. LOVE it!

walking in Bible times

2008-04-10T14:22:00.002-07:00

The last few days I have been thinking alot about the life of Jesus. I read through the gospels again this week and was struck again by the healings that Jesus did all through out His life. It causes my heart to cry out for healing power here on earth again... true healing. As I look at what He did, it was healing of the blind, of the deaf, of demonic posession, of the lame, of the leper or untouchables... basically he healed those who were out casts of the present day society. He raised people from the dead. He feed thousands of people with so little... He touched those that no one else would touch.

As I was musing and praying about this, I got up and headed out for work. Right outside my door, heading up the street, where three of the patrons that I know from Siloam. There was a man pushing his wife in a wheelchair with a blind man on his arm. Beside those three was a man I didn't know who was walking with crutches, all of them struggling with solvent abuse. All of them smelling of solvents and in most of the city are considered "unclean".

As I got to work, I looked around during the day and saw all that Jesus would have seen in Biblical times. And I realized I was walking in Biblical times. Today is a day where it is still possible to see healing. In a day when so many voices are saying Jesus is NOT the only way, I have to say He is the only one who will bring healing for these ones.

And so I continue to pray for Jesus to again walk with power through us in the inner city core of Winnipeg.

Quick update

2008-04-07T05:14:00.004-07:00

wow... almost a month since my last blog...

I'm heading out to work so I can't write much right now, but to summarize I will just say it's been a busy month. Mostly it's just work, but it's all consuming in many ways. My heart loves and breaks for these ones every day. Working with homeless men and women can take alot out of me, and yet they give so much as well.

We've had some big fights these past couple weeks too, and that takes even more emotionally. But as I say many times, it's all part of the job and I really do love it.

So yes, I am still alive, I am still breathing, and I will blog more as now I feel like there is more to say... :)

glasses #2

2008-03-12T13:09:00.001-07:00

these are the new ones! And yes, I got a hair cut.

January throwback

2008-03-05T04:49:00.002-08:00

getting ready for work, I turn on the tv just to get the weather.... This is a continuation of yesterday's rant by the way....

NOW: MINUS 26... but here is the important number... with windchill... feels like MINUS 38. For you Americans, Celcius and Farenhiet meet up at Minus 40. So in your thinking it is Minus 15, but feels like Minus 32.

Now I'm no genious, but isn't that the weather for January... NOT March?!!?

Okay, enough complaining... I need to leave in 15 minutes and it's going to take that long to get bundled up!

Is it SPRING yet?

2008-03-04T09:17:00.002-08:00

MARCH 4 and minus 20.

Yes, I am back in Winnipeg. I was thinking this morning that March last year, I was wearing my flip flops already. Kansas City weather may not have called for it, but as a Manitoban, it was warm enough! Today, just leaving the house makes me sad.

I'm sick of my jacket, I've been wearing it everyday since November. My toque (hat for you Americans) is actually fraying! My mitts are leather, but are beginning to look worn out, and my boots have seen better days. I'm not complaining... okay... yes, I am. But I am longing for warmer days!

The snow in my front yard and back yard, well... is still knee deep. My heating bills are well... obscene. I'm feeling the stir craziness of March in sub zero weather.

And then I go to work and it stops being about me, and it becomes about these women and men who have survived the worst of Winnipeg's weather while being homeless. They are happy to have a coat, they would love to have a heating bill, and the stir crazy idea is the opposite, they would love to have a place to call home.

It's all a matter of perspective.

the comments

2008-02-29T04:49:00.002-08:00

Okay, now I realize that my glasses were a bold choice. I really like them! There have been a lot of comments at work, mostly from the patrons. I have heard everything from "You CHOSE those?!" to "You look like a movie star". Here are my top 10:

1o. I'll return it to the pretty girl in the red glasses
9. There is a cartoon character that you remind me of... (yah... marty the martian)
8. Hey, Sally Jessie Raphael!
7. You have the style of Elton John
6. They suit your personality...
5. I like them... would never wear them, but I like them
4. You like Coke just a little too much!
3. are those diamonds REAL?!?!?!
2. How much you want for those?

And my favourite:

1. You look amazing. Seriously... amazing!

Never had so many comments on a new pair of glasses! haha. Can't wait til the other pair are ready... They aren't quite as bold, but they are unique!

bright red!

2008-02-25T20:11:00.003-08:00

Here is one of my new pair of glasses! The other ones will hopefully be ready next week!

woo hoo!

2008-02-19T11:20:00.002-08:00

Well, one set of my new glasses are in already! YEAH! But I have to wait til Friday so I can pay for them! I'm not sure which pair, but I am so excited I'll be able to see BEFORE Sunday!

What is Sunday? Well, the OSCARS of course. For years my friends have been having an Oscar party in which everyone brings food that goes with one of the five Best Movie Nominees. I have missed many of the parties as I've been in other countries or places. Last year I was painting my apartment in Kansas City. Wow, life changes. THIS YEAR, I am going to the party and my movie to represent is Michael Clayton. I am so glad that I will be able to see. This is a big night for us movie fanatics.

the wait

2008-02-15T04:55:00.002-08:00

Well, I bought new glasses yesterday, but because of my prescription, it's a 2 WEEK WAIT! ARGG! They are very cool glasses though, in fact it's 2 PAIRS for the price of one! Both pair are very chic and modern, one more so than the other, but alas... won't have them until the 28th or so....

So in the meantime, just call me squinty and send over some advil for the headaches.

glasses... again

2008-02-14T04:37:00.002-08:00

It's been a frustrating couple of days. Yesterday, I worked a split shift, which means I work from 8-2, and return for the evening 6-9. I usually don't mind this shift as I often return home or head downtown to read at the bookstore.

The weather here is still bone chilling cold and as a result I am often bundled up to where only my eyes are exposed to the minus 30 or colder temps. Yesterday, as I was waiting for the bus after the first half of my shift, I took off my glasses because they were fogging and freezing up. I folded them up, and put them in my pocket. Now I also where these insanely thick leather and wool mitts, so thinking I put them in my pocket, I must have dropped them. Whatever happened they are gone. I came back to the bus stop and searched for them, I'm calling the bus today, but am not holding my hopes up too high.

So today... after work...it's time to search for a new pair of glasses. I'm sad because I really liked these ones. Oh well. When I returned to work, within minutes they were calling me "squinty" haha, so I guess I need them!

Other than that, I think I have finally come out of a sick fog, and am heading into realitive health. Here's praying!

quick look

2008-02-09T05:03:00.001-08:00

Well, my review went fairly well. I'm still working :) so that is always good.
It's funny how we evaluate ourselves differently than others see us. Sometimes we are blind to things and sometimes overly aware and afraid of other things. I like the verse that says "do not think of yourself more highly than you should", it's not a self depracation thing, it's a how can I improve in this area or that area kind of thing.

Anyway, work is going well. That really is my life these days, so there isn't a lot to write about. I can't for the privacy of the patrons, show a lot of pics, or tell a lot of specific stories, so what I WANT to write, I have to find ways of disguising first.

I also find that once I am home, it's hard to do a whole lot of anything. Part of it has been being sick for so long, part is because I love my new "haven", and I think the other is I'm just tired. So life isn't necessarily edge of your seat exciting, but it is good.

I did start listening to a series on Revelation by David Pawson. I've listened to it before, but it is soooo good. It's the only book that comes with a blessing for those who read and understand it, and a curse for those who add or take away... I'm loving looking at it again. The seven letters to the churches are amazing and full of insight of WHO Jesus is. Anyway, I'm enjoying it.

Gotta go to work! Later.

90 days

2008-01-31T04:22:00.000-08:00

Today is my three month review. I have been at Soloam for 3 months already. As I have said many times, I love this job. I am blessed to be doing something I love and working with the people God has given me such a heart for. They are amazing people who fight everyday just to survive, especially in minus 40 or colder conditions.

And yet, I'm nervous. I'm sure it will go fine, but there are always those questions, "Am I doing enough? Have I done it right? AM I GOOD ENOUGH?" You know, questions that show the extent, or lack there of, of confidence in myself and the nature of the job.

This job has certainly taken a toll on my physically. I seem to have caught almost every cold or flu bug that has come through, as even now I am coughing and cannot find my voice anywhere! My feet haven't improved either, which is always a concern, and yet when I look at the overall, I know that I have done my best, and that is all I can ask of myself. And still the question... is it enough?

It's silly really. It's the idea of being "evaluated" I think that stresses me. Evaluations somehow in my head equate worth. It's that thing of feeling like you are being judged when really it's the end of a probation period... for both sides. Essentially, I could walk in and tell them this isn't the place for me... which of course I won't because I think it IS the place for me, but I could if I felt that way... it's been a probation for both sides.

My greatest desire, today, and everyday is to be able to say that my confidence and worth comes from the Lord. That He is the one who's evaluation should matter and count to me. I want to walk in the confidence of His love for me and my love for Him. Mike Bickle always says that once we get a hold of that understanding everything changes. I'm working on it!

The other thing that struck me is that I left Kansas City 6 months ago. Where does the time go?

cold... how cold??

2008-01-23T19:34:00.000-08:00

you know it is cold when the snow crunching under your feet sounds like styrofoam, when your glasses freeze... not fog... freeze, when even the patrons are running into the building after having their smoke break.

The last two days have been between minus 29 and minus 47 with the windchill. It's also been my joy and privilege to be outside the last two days. The wind is definitely the hardest part! But tomorrow I am back indoors and others on staff get the privilege of the warmer (minus 15 to minus 20) weather. Ahh the joys of Winnipeg winters!

waiting

2008-01-23T04:48:00.000-08:00

It's been a long slightly stressful week since I last blogged. The "falsely accused" situation continues, and I am waiting for a call to take a poligraph test that hopefully will clear me. So that is the deal. Waiting. It's either a further intimidation tactic... make me nervous waiting for the call, or they really DON'T have enough to charge me. That of course is the hope.

Most days I don't even think about it. Other days, when people ask I realize it's right under the surface and it's scary. But I do trust God, and I do know the truth... I didn't do it, and I believe I need to just keep living life.

Thank you for praying. Please continue, and I will keep posting as I know more.

Falsely accused

2008-01-16T22:26:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot in the last 24 hours about Joseph. He was given such great dreams about what his life was going to be. He had dreams that told him that even though he was the youngest (before Benjamin) that all his brothers would bow before him. I wonder what he was thinking when he found himself at the bottom of a dungeon locked up for something he didn't do.

Why am I thinking about this? Well, I can't give details, but I have been falsely accused in the last 24 hours. A pretty serious accusation, and one that has some ramifications for me if "proven".
I know I am innocent, I know I did NOT do what I am being accused of, but here I am... fingers pointing at me. What is my response? So far it's shock and outright denial, but it's hard not to turn and look at God and say... "WHAT IS GOING ON???" I don't think that is a wrong question. I don't think it's a wrong attitude, but it needs to be followed with, "I TRUST YOU".

SOO that is MY struggle today. Jesus, I trust you, regardless of how any of this turns out. AND, in the meantime... please pray.

And yes, mom and dad, I will call and explain :)

Long time no blog

2008-01-15T20:12:00.000-08:00

Sorry, it's been awhile since I've blogged. I haven't known exactly what to write as it's been a crazy month or more. I am loving being in my new house (though as of late I have discovered a few furry nasty creatures running amuck... for those of you who don't know me too well... I HATE mice and have a bit of a phobia of them... yah... it's been fun)

Work at SIloam has been wonderful. It has many ups and downs in a day, and it is difficult sometimes to hear the stories and see the struggles, but it's also a great place to see people beginning to make changes. Transitions are relative when it comes to homelessness. A day without alcohol is a major step. A person who didn't talk to anyone months ago, who now talks to all of us is a major transition. It's a cool thing to watch and be a part of.

My health is still a frustrating thing. I get to work, get home and then don't want to do or go anywhere. I'm exhausted... all the time. It is most likely I'm picking up some germs from work, but I think it must be that AND my immunity is low. My feet are still numb in places and painful in others. Still no real difinitive answer, but all seems to point to the Diabities. I'm hoping to get some orthotics in the next few weeks, see how that works.

I've also gotten some news from some friends that are having major health issues in their pregnancies. I am praying for life for both of them, and healing ... complete healing. This is hard for everyone involved, and I just want to see God break in. So I am praying hard and waiting in expectation for healing to come.

Well... I guess that is the update. :)

2007-12-28T17:45:00.000-08:00

Today (with the help of my friend Derek) I moved the rest of my boxes from Cheryl's house to MY house. My house. Sounds nice.

It's snowing outside, and all I need is my tree set up... ahhh, but that is for another year. We are now looking forward to the new year and all it has to bring. I certainly wouldn't have thought a year ago that I would be back in Winnipeg, working at Siloam Mission and renting my own house. Last year at this time we were just getting through the Christmas rush at Hope City and IHOP and were praying for the new year. It was just over a year ago that Hope City changed gears too,,, from a feeding ministry that prayed to a praying ministry that feeds. 2 Chronicles 29:11 changed many things.

Then, there is now. I am working full time in a homeless mission and a part of Sanctuary House of Prayer, I miss Kansas City, IHOP, Hope City, and mostly the people... a lot, but I am glad to be here too. I'm learning a lot about what it means to be homeless in winter and very, very cold weather, what it means to be poor in one of the richest countries in the world, and how all I can do to truely make a difference is pray and treat people... all people ...with dignity.

Good lessons. Who knows what will happen this year :)

Movin in

2007-12-27T14:57:00.000-08:00

Well, I am officially in my own home. I moved in "partially" or at least enough to sleep here. I got my essentials... tv, internet, phone and a place to sleep. I am happy to be here, and looking forward to having everything I own in one place again. That may take a little time as some things are still in Kansas City, but the stuff at my former place of residence hopefully will be here in the next few days.

I am living simply for sure, but as time goes by, I know I'll have everything I need. I hope to take some pics tomorrow and post them to give you all a visual of my new digs.

Christmas is over and it was a good one as Christmases go. I worked the 24th, where we had three sittings for a Christmas meal, the 25th, which was a Christmas breakfast and Boxing Day, which for us at Siloam was a regular day. I now have two days off to get settled in my new house. I was successful at watching all of my Christmas movies...complete with White Christmas on Christmas day. In some ways the break from a nightly movie is good :)

So here we go... life back to normal and starting over in a new home. It's good :)

Manitoba Moose Vs. Hamilton Bulldogs

2007-12-22T21:04:00.001-08:00

No Christmas movie tonight... Went to a Manitoba Moose game at the MTS Centre. What a great facility and a great game. The Moose won in overtime 3-2 in the last 25 seconds of the sudden death round. Too fun. I went with Teresa, the director of patron Services at Siloam mission and it was a great time. I'm still in awe of the arena... very cool.

I just have one question... If the plural of Goose is geese... Why isn't the plural of Moose, meese? And by the way mom, I need to get you a moose t-shirt, hahahaha

Movie #19

2007-12-20T04:46:00.000-08:00

Second half of Sound of Music.

There are so many times that I have watched this movie that I was able to do other things while watching and not skip a beat! I could sing along, even quote the lines, and still concentrate on what else I was doing. But it isn't Christmas without one viewing of this movie! It is however far too long to watch on Christmas Day itself, unless I'm really snowed in or something crazy like that.

Christmas is literally 5 days away! It came fast this year. Probably because I've been so busy, but it really amamzes me how fast time is going by. The weather is finally warming a bit (only -3 C as opposed to -30C!) so that makes it better to be outside. I'm looking forward to a day off tomorrow and I'm moving next Thursday. WOO HOO!! Should be good.

Well off to work once again. Not sure which movie is tonight, but I'll figure it out AFTER a bday party I am attending. Fun fun.

Later.

"the hills are alive..."

2007-12-18T20:15:00.000-08:00

Yes, movie # 18 was the first half of Sound of Music. I would have watched the whole thing, but I am too tired and I need to be up early again tomorrow. There are so many favourite scenes in this movie and though technically not a movie ABOUT Christmas, it is a movie that I watch every Christmas. So technically that makes it a Christmas movie.

Today was a great day. So many things go on in a day at Siloam. The best part of my day was one man telling me about his experiences in the war (never did quite figure out WHICH war) and how he believed God was looking out for him and kept him safe and that every day is worth celebrating... "even if you got nothin", I like this man. He makes me laugh at least once a day, and yet can sit down and talk my ear off if I let him. His most common saying is "it wasn't like that in my day... in my day there was respect" How true it is.

Well. I just yawned big enough to swallow my face, so I had better head to bed. WOW... 10:00 and I'm going to bed... who would of thunk it?

I must still be sick. blach.

Day #16 and #17

2007-12-17T20:07:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like life is a blur and just keeps skating by quickly? I can't believe it's December 17th already!

I've been working lots and lots of hours and trying to get shopping done, and trying to figure out how and when to move into my new house! It's all coming together slowly and surely. On top of all that, I have been trying to fight this constant feeling of tiredness and sicklyness. It just doesn't want to let go. This week I am working overtime hours again and have one day off. It's busy busy.

I watched a couple short ones the last two days as I have been getting homw later than I expected. I watched Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol and It's Christmas Again Charlie Brown. Both are good half hour shows, but not ones I will watch again Christmas Day.

At work we have had some amazing presentations. In the last 2 weeks we have had a group of drum and pipe players (yes, 13 bagpipes complete with men in kilts), a flute choir, a Christmas play, and tonight a choir singing Christmas Carols. It makes it very festive :)

I will try to take some pics in the next few days and post them. I just have to be careful that I don't get the patron's faces. We will see how that goes.

Alrighty... nighty night time.

movie night # 15

2007-12-15T20:40:00.001-08:00

Tonight was once again one of my favourites. "Holiday Inn"

Bing Crosby has always been one of my all time top 3 of crooners and singers. He is once again amazing in this classic film. It covers every Holiday (American Holiday) in a year, and weaves it together from Christmas Eve to Christmas Eve. It's a music packed movie and has some great movies and dance performances... and yes, it's black and white :)

We are 10 days out from the "day". I'll continue to keep you posted :)

catching up again

2007-12-14T19:18:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it's been a busy week. I've worked 45 hours this week and had something up pretty much every night, and am still not feeling 100%, SOOOOO nightly movies are not always possible.

Tonight I watched "Santa Clause" with Tim Allen. A pretty good Christmas movie as far as comedy goes. I also watched "Unaccompanied Minors" which came out in the last couple of years... better than I expected as it was a new buy for me this year. It was actually more than a slapstick kid out of control movie, it was fun and entertaining... not a classic, necessarily, but good.

I also watched the other night, my newest favourite, "The Polar Express". That will be a Christmas day rewatch as well. Such a great story and the animation (using Tom Hanks) is great. So there is the catch up.

I think I have one more to watch yet tonight to get completely caught up, so I think It will be.... Miracle on 34th St. That is one of my all time favs... and the one my mom got for me a few years ago :)

Anyway... gotta go... one more movie and it's off to bed. Later.

Catching up

2007-12-09T09:40:00.000-08:00

Christmas movies # 8 and #9
Because I missed a day, I spent the morning watching 2 Christmas Classics. Okay, one is a modern day silly crazy Christmas Classic, but it is fun to watch. I watched "A Christmas Story" first, a story about a young boy who wants a bebe gun for Christmas and is met with the answer "You'll shoot your eye out!" It is silly, goofy and rather juvenile, but it is a Christmas must.

Then I followed it with of course one of the best Christmas movies EVER! "It's A Wonderful Life" I usually end up watching this one more than once and ALWAYS on Christmas day. I'm a sucker for the old black and whites!

Today I am finally returning to Sanctuary (after a three week sickness keeping me away). It will be good to be back for sure!

Oh about the house. I am moving on Jan 1st into a 3 bedroom house just a block from where I used to live 5 years ago. The upstairs is one room (to be my bedroom of course), and the main floor has two bedrooms, a kitchen, living room and of course a bathroom. It's a cute little house and am quite excited to move in. I got the keys yesterday and will be slowly moving stuff in. I gave away almost everything so I get the privilege of starting over. WOO HOO. So, if you know anyone looking to get rid of any furniture... let me know :)

Have a great day! Enjoy the weather :)

Charlie Brown and furniture

2007-12-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

Movie #7
A Charlie Brown Christmas.
The true meaning of Christmas comes through as Linus recites the Birth of Jesus from Luke 2. It's a story told over and over again, as people are over run by the commercialism of Christmas and the busyness of it all that the real purpose and reason for the season (to borrow a catch phrase) is Jesus coming to earth, not to visit, not to "check it out" but to save mankind from themselves and restore relationship with the Father. Okay, so that isn't all in A Charlie Brown Christmas, but it is in the Bible... and that trumps Charlie every time! :)

I spent the day today in the midst of that commercialism. I was out looking at furniture for my new apartment (now officially official). I was excited as the day started and more and more discouraged as the day went on. My credit is not great and therefore any payment plans are not an option, so it is time to save up before I get that perfect living room set. That in and of itself is not what discouraged me though. It was the fact that my whole day became about spending money. It became about what I wanted, what I felt I should have. The reality is, and I'm glad I came to my senses, that God gives me what I need WHEN I need it. I don't need to have all these big bills to own nice things, I need to trust the Lord. Funny how quickly that is a lesson learned that is forgotten. Materialism and commercialism takes over quickly when you let it. Sure it would be nice to have some new furniture, but it will also be nice to have my own home. The rest will come.

So there you go, from Charlie Brown to furniture woes, and a reminder that Jesus has come to set me free of anything and EVERYTHING that holds me to this life in exchange for eternity with Him. That is the true gift of Christmas!

Day 6 and 7

2007-12-07T22:11:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday I was sicker than I have felt for awhile (scary but true) so I went to bed at 8:00 and didn't get up until 11:00 this morning... so, no Christmas movie yesterday.
Today however, I watched the classic Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Yep... truly a classic. My favorite is the elf who wants to be a dentist and his revenge on the bumble snowman... By the way, did you know that Bumbles bounce? hahahaha. Classic.

On the more serious side, I got an email today from my boss that really sobered me. In our art room at Siloam there is one painting that simply says:"my mother didn't feed me. 1 Timothy 5:8". I've looked at it many times, but never took the time to look up what the verse was. My boss did today and this is what it says:

"But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." The context is in caring for the widows in our midst, but the rawness of the painting is still as powerful. We are commanded to care for our own, to make sure that they are loved and looked after. When it doesn't happen, deep wounds occur. The creator of this painting feels that wound. This patron feels the abandonment of that, the betrayal of it, and the bitterness of it as well. Five words that speak volumes in the context of the verse.

That in many ways is why places like Hope City and Siloam exist. We become family, we become ones who care when many feel like no one else does. It's not about the food, or the clothing, or the services provided. It's about the connections, the friendships, the life that gets spoken into the hearts of those who come in, and the life they speak into me. We say at Siloam alot, we can't save anyone, and we aren't supposed to. We are there to love as Jesus loved, to pray and to point them to the One who can save them, who can heal them, who can change them from the inside out. I believe that in doing so, everyone grows and changes, especially me.

I remember Lisa saying that prayer is weakness. It's recognizing there is nothing I can do, and depending on God for everything. Prayer makes more and more sense to me everyday. There is a wind chill warning tonight, as it is supposed to feel like -40 degrees. I can do nothing to change the homeless situation, but I can pray and obey and as my friend Deb says, and then get out of the way.

The truth of it is, being weak is exactly what we are supposed to be.

2007-12-05T20:50:00.000-08:00

Movie # 5

How the Grinch Stole Christmas-- the live version with Jim Carey
Honestly, a funny movie that makes me smile everytime I watch it. I brought it to Siloam this week too, for our Movie Tuesday and was pleased that they enjoyed it to. My favourite moment is when Cindy Lou Who sings "Where are you Christmas, why can't I find you?"

Such a classic

As a side note... it is FAR TOO COLD already! It was -20 F this am... that would -33 C. I was outside 6 hours today, and again tomorrow. It's a great opportunity to get a feel of what my new friends go through every day. I don't know how they survive. And yet they do. Every morning at 8:00 am, they come in, some having spent the night in the shelter, some having found other places, but all of them bundled up and cold, and well... relatively speaking, happy. I'm learning alot!

Anyway, one more day of work on a long 12 day stint (with a day off in there) and then, 3 days off. Looking forward to that!

I also have a new residence as of January 1. Yes, I am moving into a 3 bedroom home on Alfred. Yes... I used to live on Alfred, and no, it's not the same house. I'll tell more when it is all Officially Official. K... tired, late, must sleep.

2007-12-04T18:21:00.000-08:00

Last night was "toy that saved Christmas" -- another Veggie Tales classic Christmas movie.
Tonight was "the Nativity Story" -- brilliantly done! I love it...

more later!

Tis the Season

2007-12-02T21:09:00.000-08:00

Movie Day #2

The Star of Christmas featuring those adorable little vegetables, Bob and Larry.

It's a great story of finding the true meaning of Christmas. Bob wants to "teach London how to love" using a great musical production, when really all it takes is the truth of a God who loves us regardless of the fact that we don't deserve it. Great little video.

I went to work this afternoon and realized again that these are incredible people that I work with. Each one has such amazing stories to tell, and such humour in the telling. There is one gentleman that jokes with me everytime about his name, that I had the audacity to call him "sir" once, and now every day need to prove to him that I DO know his name. Then there is the guy who finds it hilarious to tap me on one shoulder but stand on the other and laughs so hard when I look the wrong way. There is the man that told me all about his wife who died two years ago and why Christmas is such a hard time of year. Then there is the girl who can't get enough of joking with me and telling me how funny I am. I enjoy being there so much. I love hearing the stories and the jokes, and even the same jokes everyday. I think it's part of why being with the poor is so important to me, regardless of what they have been through or ARE going through, they laugh.

I am praying that the love of Jesus will be the true source of their joy, and that there is truth that encourages all of our hearts. I'm reminded in this advent season, that for that reason, He came. I love this season as we wait for the celebration of His birth. Every year that has a deeper meaning and a deeper expression. The movies are fun, but it's the story behind each film, each day before Christmas that keeps me anticipating His return.

a new christmas tradition

2007-12-01T18:45:00.001-08:00

I love movies... more specifically... I love Christmas movies and I own well... 27 of them.
I now am starting a new tradition

One movie a night til Christmas, with a couple extra. Call it an advent of motion pictures. Tonight, I will begin with

"It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie" It's a great one to start with because it spoofs every Christmas movie ever made (at least the classic ones anyway). It's also one I thoroughly enjoy! That Pepe is HILARIOUS!!!

Anyway! Happy 1st of December!

2007-11-27T21:15:00.000-08:00

It's been a long 11 days. I've had sick days, and days where I felt sick but just kept going, but this is silly. It started as a flu, turned into a cold and now is a full blown sinus infection. The doc wants me to get xrays on both my feet and my spine, and I am taking an ever increasing arsenal of meds. It makes for a fight to stay encouraged.

Yet, I know that the Lord is faithful. I know that He is good, and that all is and will be well. It's just not always easy to stay there in my head. When I am sick, I tend to stay home and away from everything like church and prayer meetings, where really, that is where I should be. I went tonight and it was good, it was very good. Sanctuary has some amazing people to be sure.

But even now tonight, as I sit here at my computer (when I should be sleeping) I can't help but wonder what is going on. Why is sickness such a central part of my life right now? How did I end up back in Winnipeg? (I think that is really starting to hit me) I miss IHOP, and Hope City especially, yet I love my job at Siloam and being with Sanctuary. It's all just transition I guess, I have only been back 3 months, and I've started a new job only 3 weeks ago. I guess it's all just catching up with me. That's okay, it's just harder than I want it to be! :)

So... relying on God's faithfulness and liking of me is all I can do. That's not a bad place to start. So if you think of me, please pray for encouragement, health, and more than anything time with the Lord.

Thanks.

Please Pray

2007-11-26T04:12:00.000-08:00

My annoying 7 day cold/fever seems to have turned into a sinus infection. Oh how fun.

2007-11-21T04:40:00.000-08:00

WOW, two blogs in one week... is it possible?

I am going back to work today, cough, sniffles and all. Today is my day to be outside. I like this part of my job alot. I hang out with the patrons all day. We go in teams of two, (so yes I am safe), and we are called "Donation Hosts" or "Door Hosts" for the day. It's actually fun. The temperature is a little chilly, so even as I write this, it is a mere -8 degrees Celcius (14-ish degrees F) I am layered well, and hopefully will be warm enough with my toque (hat), scarf, mittens, and luxuriously warm Siloam STAFF jacket.

The last 2 days I have been extremely bored and terribly sick. I don't like being sick, and I especially detest being bored. Cheryl was home sick yesterday too, so that was helpful. We sound like a coughing chorus though between fighting over the Kleenex and the remote control. Actually we don't fight over anything... we both just took turns playing Scrabulous on the computer.

Well, I need to get ready for work. Hopefully the days go well and I only go through 2 packages of Kleenex! :)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2007-11-20T04:35:00.000-08:00

I know you are all humming the tune now... admit it!

Saturday was the Santa Claus parade here in Winnipeg, and it was a good one! I missed most of it, as I was TRYING to get to a doctors appointment, which unfortunately I missed because of an inability to navigate all the changed bus routes! Ah well, at least I got in the following morning.

I decorated my own house on Friday. ( I think it was Friday) The tree is up, the nativity is set up, and all my Christmas movies are on the shelf. So far I've watched White Christmas, and Elf (and maybe Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol and well... who's counting?"

I unfortunately in the midst of all this Christmas Cheer, have gotten sick. Flu and cold sick. The sniffling, sneezing, coughing, puking kind of sick. Woo hoo! Mix that with a cup of hot cocao! Yah, it's been a long couple of days. I'm determined to make this my last sick day however. I miss being at Siloam. That's a good sign! :)

Anyway, I am running a fever and the room is spinning a bit, so this girl is heading back to bed. Please pray for healing! Oh yah, no official word on my feet... I was sent for an exray on my right foot and spine, so we wait and see and trust that God has it in his hand.

okay, not feeling so great... later

It's been a coon's age!

2007-11-13T04:22:00.000-08:00

I assume that means a very long time! hahaha

Life has been busy since I started working at Siloam. Let me first and foremost say, I love my job. A typical day (if there are no significant incidents) looks a bit like bussing tables at a busy restaurant., except the people wait in line for the food and as one of the volunteers said "don't expect any tips". I love just getting to know the people. For obvious reasons I cannot tell you who they are, but I can tell you they are amazing.

I am constantly amazed at the sense of humour in them. They love to laugh and joke around and they have such a quick wit. It keeps me on my toes for sure! There are of course the difficult situations, the struggles that have gotten them to a place of homelessness, stories of great loss, brokenness, and sometimes just mental illnesses that have taken over their lives. It's a humbling thing to be amongst such an amazing group of people.

I'm getting to know some by name, and happily greet them as they walk in the door, or take their spot. They are getting to know my name now too, and constantly asking me if it Ukranian, Russian, or Polish, I tell them my name is Dutch AND I have creative parents. They laugh every time. Some of them are fascinated that as far as I know, I'm the only Joyska out there. There is one gentleman who tells people that everytime he sees me.

There are a few characters there too. There are the ones that can get everybody laughing, the ones who you know to give them their space, the ones who love to talk, and the ones who won't talk to me at all yet. It's like anywhere people gather. That is part of what I love about it. Everyone has a story, everyone haas a unique personality and great strengths as well as weaknesses. And I love that they gather at Siloam.

I've had the privilege of praying with a few who tell me the details. That has been my greatest honour so far. Faith has a different expression on the street, and I'm learning that quickly, and I am reminded daily of the blessings in my own life. Even waiting for the bus in the cold has taken on a new experience for me. I wait at most a half hour in the cold, these guys will stand in line for hours for a meal or a place to sleep. There is great strength in them. Great strength.

Well, I could go on and on, but I need to get ready for work. Please pray for the homeless and porr in your community. They need compassion and support. Please pray also for healing for my feet. I'm finding it hard some days to walk as quickly as I would like. When I am home, my feet tend to be in significant pain. While I'm working, for the most part they are good, and more numb than anything else, but when I get home and relax a bit, they really can hurt.

Anyway. There is my update! I will try to do better at keeping you all informed and look forward to sharing many more experiences! The Lord truly is great!

Siloam... Day 1

2007-10-31T16:22:00.000-07:00

Today I started my job at Siloam mission. It has been a GREAT day. The morning consisted of orientation type things (once I got there! I was actually LATE for my first day... missed my bus... crazy bus!) Lots of information and lots of people to meet. Siloam is an amazing organization with a maze of a facility! It won't be a maze within a week I'm sure, but today I only got lost three times!

The mission is open from 8:00 to 2:00 and again at 6. The patrons (as they are called) are awesome! There are the classic grumpy men, the flirtateous ones, the funny ones, and the down right rude ones, but each of them is there because they are hungry and many are simply cold. It snowed today, and it's been wet and cold so there were many who hung out all day.

I really enjoyed just serving them, clearing tables and chatting as the meals were being served. I will get to do a lot more of that, but today with all the orientation, it was a short amount of time. I did know more of them than I thought I would, and that was cool. I knew many of the staff as well, so that was way too fun!

There is so much to be said, and I know there will be many more stories, but for now, I will say, I am THRILLED to be there.
BUT RIGHT NOW... I am off to a prayer meeting for the poor! :)

BUSY WEEK

2007-10-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

It has been a crazy busy week since my last blog.
I put in my two weeks notice at Blessings and have pretty much worked every day since. I do have tomorrow off and that is good as my poor feet just can't take too much more of this! I work Thursday night and some of Friday and then officially I am no longer employed at Blessings full time. I will do some hours here and there to finish out some commitments and projects I've been working on, but for the most part, I am done at Blessings on Friday. I have been so thankful for this job and KNOW that the Lord used it to get me back to Winnipeg, and in a round about way to get the job at Siloam.

BUT, before any of that happens....
ONETHING hits the city in less than 48 hours! yikes!
The crew arrives Thursday afternoon, and the conference kicks into to full gear on Friday night. I am so excited! I really believe God is doing some ground work for a mighty move of His Spirit in this city. As usual, His timing is perfect. SO MANY words have been spoken over this city and we long for them all to come to pass. I think this weekend is going to be significant in breaking some of that open.
If you are in Winnipeg, COME. If you aren't and can't get here, please PRAY that all that is on God's heart is received in this city. I'll write more after the conference, but please keep the One Thing team in your prayers as they deal with crossing the border, leading the conference here in Canada for the FIRST time, and then head out to Calgary next weekend.

Can't wait to see what God is about to do in Winnipeg! WOO HOO!

TA DA!!!!

2007-10-15T20:41:00.001-07:00

Well, it's official, so I can tell you all now.

The call went something like this:

Hi, this is Vicki, I'm wondering if you could help me find a book.

Sure, which book?

It's by Dave Hansley... (I type furiously and can't find it in the system)

Sorry, we don't seem to carry it... Is there anything else I can help you find?

Well, I'd like to offer you a FULL TIME position at SILOAM MISSION (siloam.ca if you are interested)

Absolutely! I would be thrilled to take the job.

Good, we would be thrilled to have you.

There were many other things said after that, but I was unable to express my excitement at the moment as customers and co workers were all around. However I stated that I was ecstatic, and that I was looking forward to it.

So as of November 1, 2007 I will be officially employeed (AND PAID WELL!!!) at Siloam Mission. I will be working the "frontline homeless" which basically means hanging out with the guys that come in to eat, as well as serving, and just getting to know them, and helping them get connected in the other ministries Siloam offers. As I said it is full time, and has benefits, 3 weeks holidays and well... more than anything it is what I want to do! WOOO HOOOO!

THREE HUGE POINTS! (that one was for you Lisa!)

So that was my big announcement. I apologize to those of you who thought I was getting married or something crazy like that... not happening! :)

Thanks to all of you who have been praying. This is a HUMUNGUOUS answer to prayer and I couldn't be more thrilled! I miss Hope City like crazy, but this is an amazing step in that direction!

2007-10-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

well...
let's see, the update many of you may be looking for has once again been delayed...one more week. Stay tuned, even if you have no clue what I am talking about! haha

Today, was a bit of a milestone since my return to this soon to be winter wonderland. My sugars this morning were 5.4. (that is good) When I came back a mere six weeks ago, they were... well NOT 5.4. I'm still dealing with some numbness in my feet and not always sure how I feel, but hopefully that too will change.

Tonight was week 2 of a prayer meeting for the poor and the homeless here in Kansas City. Cheryl joined me tonight, and last week it was Deb and I. WOO HOO, we are up to three already! I mean that seriously. I know that the poor and homeless are part of what I am called to in this city so anyone who joins in is a plus!

Today, while downtown I counted 5 folks in wheelchairs, 3 on crutches and 2 more in wheel chairs because of missing limbs. I found myself crying out for healing to fall on the city in unparralled ways. I was praying for limbs to grow back and hearts to soften, all for the glory of His name.
But I didn't go to anyone and ask if they wanted prayer. I was too concerned about getting home, or meeting my friend. Jesus is gracious and forgiving, but I don't want to always fault to that you know?
Anyway, there was a man in front of Portage Place, also waiting for the bus. I saw his lips moving and assumed he was another "crazy" person talking to himself. As I moved closer I realized he was singing. What caught me though was he was singing "Jesus died for me, and for you"
I had to get on my bus, but I wondered as we drove away from him, and people looked at him strangely, if he was making an impact just by saying His name. And since many hours later, I'm writing about it... I guess he did.
My prayer is that I too, would make an impact whether at work, wandering downtown, or praying in my warm home. Impact. Good word.

update...

2007-10-04T15:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a little while since I blogged. Partially that is because I am busier than I have ever been as I balance full time days at Blessings and being involved with Sanctuary when I can and starting my own prayer meeting for the poor.

It's awesome and I love it, but yes... I am tired, and my blog isn't the first thing I think of when I come home! I have enjoyed my job and have found the work relatively easy and stress free. It does get a little crazy when there is a line of people and I keep making mistakes. haha

My sugar battle is going well I guess. My sugars are at around 8-12, where normal is 6-8. I've always known I was above normal! haha.
The meds I am taking are numerous, and the circulation in my feet and legs is hopefully getting better. I'm still amazed at the amount of tests and the amount of blood that is taken on a regular basis, AND that it is all free! Meds are expensive for now, but once I have my benefits, that will be covered as well. Amazing.

The change I was refering to in my last email is still unsure. I will know soon however and will blog once it is all out in the open. Got ya wondering don't I? hehehe

LATER!!

wet, windy, wild Winnipeg

2007-09-25T06:09:00.000-07:00

it's wet, windy, and cold.
Welcome back to Winnipeg!
I don't mind the weather, I actually enjoy it. But I don't enjoy waiting for the bus in it! I'm one of those people that likes to leave a few minutes early so as not to miss the bus, and to get there on time. However, I'm beginning to think that running to the bus to catch it may not be such a bad thing. The funny part is, it's not even winter yet! I think my blood thinned while living in KC because I remember loving this time of year in the past. Now I find myself COLD all the time.
I know all you seasoned, hearty, Winnipeggers are laughing at me right now, but if I was still in KC I'd still be wearing my flip flops and laughing at you! (which I did for two winters...okay, now I'm getting pay back... I get it, and I'm sorry!)

Anyway, keep reading... there may be some changes in the making again! :)